Blogging from A to Z in April - Theme?

I'm late to the game, but I'm in.

I missed the big "theme reveal" day, but that's okay. It will vary from day-to-day.

When I first thought I might do this again this year, I thought it would be a good way to write out my grief. (Anyone new to this blog, this will be elaborated during the month. Or catch up in these two posts: Sept and January.) Then Covid-19 came. I mean, living in Vietnam, I've already been in the Covid game for a while. But it finally arrived in the US, and so more of my friends and family members are - slowly, so so slowly - beginning to realize this is a SERIOUS DISEASE. So now that they have opened that conversation, it's a little easier to talk about.

I expect my #AtoZChallenge will be part grief and death, part Covid-19 observations.

I hope these posts will be full of hope and light, and healing. For myself, and for anyone who chooses to read them.

Is that a theme? Maybe "Light In the Darkness"? But I have doubts about my ability to keep the snarkiness out of my tone. We shall see!

On the Verge

I've been thinking I might as well sign up for the AtoZ challenge, since I'm blogging so much these last few days. (Well, it feels like I've been blogging a lot.)

Wednesday I didn't because we had no power all day.

Thursday, I was going to announce my AtoZ non-theme, and went over to the AtoZ blog, but hesitated. 

I'm on the verge. 

It just seems like a big commitment. And I know, what else am I doing right now? But really, social distancing and self-isolation doesn't really change my life. I'm writing most days - well I was, before life fell apart on me - and when I'm not, I'm studying language or reading books, or doing other indoor activities.

So my time has already been allocated.
Sort of. 

Except that I've been moving very slowly in my first review of last fall's Nanowrimo book. So really, I'm not writing much, so why not do AtoZ?

Maybe it will jump-start me.
That's it. 
I'm doing it.
Next post will be a sort of a theme reveal. YAY for decisions!

Smart People Being Idiots

I just can't with my family right now.

Good grief.

I'd like to apologize on behalf of my State-side family members. It's not a valid apology, because they don't even seem to realize the danger they are to others and themselves, but I'm apologizing all the same.

I'm sorry about my parents - 79 and 80 - who are only now stopping going to their "Strength for Seniors" fitness class at the Y... because their governor finally declared a ban on non-essential travel. And truthfully, if they hadn't gotten a message from the Y stating that "due to the ban" the class will be cancelled, they'd probably still go. 
I just can't.

They are currently caring for my nieces, too - 8 and 11. My brother is a single dad in the National Guard, and works as a driver during most days. He is, at least, trying to keep his kids safe by not bringing germs home to them. I bet he didn't expect our parents to be part of the problem!

I'm sorry about my sister, who took both of her sons - 18 and 10 - down to 18's college to clear out his dorm room now that his spring break is turning into... distance learning? Summer vacation? Not sure on details. Imagine dorms clearing out. I hope the school was smart enough not to force all students to clear out on the same day. Still. 18 has a car. A nice, snazzy, vintage Mustang. Couldn't he have done his own moving out? 
I just can't.

I know my sister is smart. There must have been a reason she had to go down... and bring her younger son along. But I can't imagine what could be more important than protecting your family right now.

I don't have a bead on my older brother's situation, but I've just tasked my niece (22) with urging her parents to stay in. He's a school administrator, and when I spoke to him last week, they'd had a meeting - trying to keep some distance between each other - and afterward he had asked an upset teacher if she would accept a hug. He didn't have a problem with it. Thank God she did! 
I just can't. 

I know they are trying to get SIL's mom to stay in, though - what is it with that generation! They have a lot going on without even thinking about a pandemic. 

[After finding their son's dead body in the attic, they have finally moved back into their house, which they can't sell until they finish the renovation to the kitchen that had started before his death. So... life is hard to begin with, and I know - from words of my SIL - that there's a bit of a "what's the worst that can happen? The worst has already happened," mentality in that family. It's heart-breaking.]

It's also heart-breaking to think that they might be cavalier about social distancing, and I might lose my big brother because he just doesn't care anymore! (Just messaged him. He says he's trying not to die, so... okay?)

{UPDATE: Just talked to him, and they are doing what they can, running over to MIL's house everyday, and feel like the country is better than I think, because there are way fewer cars on the road.}

My only living sister can't be around me for more than a day without screaming at me, and my younger brother doesn't talk to me. Not to be mean, but now that Big Sis died, if Big Bro died too, I might as well not have a family at all.

We're not stupid! I swear!
I come from a high-IQ family. I know we are all intelligent human beings. But poor choices are not relegated to idiots. In fact, maybe it's a case of doing the math and playing the odds. 

Except for the fact that the numbers are skewed by the fact that NO ONE knows much about this virus, and frankly, the American media does not seem to help. 
(We watch American news. We also watch international news. Try it sometime.)

Stay safe, people.
Stay home.
It's the only way to end this.

Timing Is Everything

I've been doing some math.

China went into an extreme, strongly enforced lockdown in January. About three months later, they are finally allowing some non-essential businesses to open, but people are still forced to stay inside and school is still online. 

Three months. STRONGLY ENFORCED.

Covid-19 is just now hitting a stride in the US to the point where most people (it sounds like) are beginning to recognize it's an actual threat and that they need to stay inside. But from the people I've talked to in the US and the people I was talking to in China, American "social isolation" is an extremely relaxed version of staying inside. 

Even if the US was strictly locked down on a communist level next month, you would still have a long summer ahead. And it won't be locked down that fast. 

I imagine that the US has a long year or 18 months ahead. Probably the world does too, to be honest, but most of the world is ahead of the US in terms of taking this disease seriously.

I think. 
These are just the observations of an American living in Vietnam. But all the statistics show the US escalating at a much faster rate than any other country.

For my part, as safe as we feel Vietnam is, we are staying in. No point in making anything worse. Tourists come through and break their quarantine and we might not hear about it until the next day.

Our biggest worry is that the laws are changing quickly. Especially regarding foreigners. 
So while you in the western world are trying to stock up as much as you can, I am letting myself run completely out of shampoo or peanut butter before buying more... because there is every possibility that our visa will not be renewed in May and we'll have to leave. No point stocking up on things I won't have time to use!

I hope you are all well.
I hope you are all STAYING INSIDE! 
I hope you are able to access help when you need it, but I hope you won't need it.

I hope we won't have to move.

Really, I'm Not ONLY About Death

As you know, I took my time getting back into reality this past month. I'm lucky that I have the kind of life where I could take the time. I did a lot of nothing - yoga, reading, coloring, playing stupid games on my phone. Finally I opened my Nanowrimo manuscript and started re-reading it. Doggone-it, it's good! I mean, it needs a ton of work, so it still may turn out to be nothing if I can't figure it all out. I left a lot of holes in my push to get words on the page in November.

I started back into it over a week ago, very slowly. I'm beginning in earnest, reading and doing minor edits, plus filling in all the gaping holes in the manuscript. It's something. Life seems a bit more like normal again.

As I was messaging with my big brother recently, I got to considering how the same death is different for everyone. He lost his son (to suicide) in the fall, and his sister last month. Our sister's death leaves him as the eldest sibling. You wouldn't think it makes a difference, but in a family with five kids, birth order becomes a part of your identity.

I should think that, if one could quantify grief, his must be the hardest. Of course you can't quantify it. How close was he with my sister? But then, his son... There's no standard.

And then again, when his son died, I know it hit our younger brother hard. He had just recently lost an Army buddy to suicide and was already trying to cope with that. So although it was "just" his nephew, it came at a time when he was already dealing with grief. The sister who died last month was, I believe, the only one of us that little brother communicated with openly. Even then, he didn't do it often - man of few words, he is - but still. If she's the main one who checked in on him, and she's gone, and so soon after all the rest of it, what must he be going through?

Of course, my living sister and I both lost our closest sister. We do not get along terribly well. We do fine for short gatherings, but more than a day together is a strain. Our eldest sister was a bridge between us. The three of us could get together and have a good time. I feel like I should be closer to my living sister now, but you can't force a relationship, and neither one of us can fill the gap left. So this recent death was super hard on her. But I can't imagine her thoughts at the death of our nephew - just six months younger than her own son. How worried is she about her own child now?

Many years ago, a friend of mind lost one of her sons to a freak accident. He was on foot, hit by a car. (This all happened years before I met her.) It took years before her cloud lifted, and even today you can see how the grief of losing a son colors her attitudes on social media. It's a part of her. 

I think it becomes a part of each of us. Hopefully not to the point of defining us, but what if it does? 

For my part, I think I've returned to life fairly quickly. I know that although things will be different, I'm okay. Others might not be. 

This is why we should always be kind. 
I understand the meme a lot better now.

Not A Real Post

This isn't a real post. It's nothing.

It occurred to me as I poured my second vodka-tonic of the afternoon, that after my last six months - nephew's suicide, sister unexpectedly dropping dead, and... well, that's enough, I think! - I'm entitled to a little self-medication. Bring on the booze!

Aside from that (I wasn't exactly a teetotaler before), I'm emerging from the fog... exactly one month from the day my sister died. Dropped dead. I like that phrase, because it's true. And it conveys the surprise that accompanied her death.

After a month of numb, I feel like rejoining the blogosphere. 
I might revamp my blog though. Give it a focus. 
Personal bull-crap only takes me so far. 

Especially when the grim reaper takes over.
Two days ago, Brett was teaching and sent me a message from his office to check in with his brother. He'd received a message from someone who was an undertaker in the town they grew up in. My heart was in my throat. Dear God, NO! Brett's brother said nothing was up that he knew of, and that that guy who used to be an undertaker, was now a banker. Turns out, he just wanted to ask about the Coronavirus from someone in the region. (We're fine.)

The grim reaper is hovering over my life now, just laughing. 
I FLIP YOU THE VIRTUAL BIRD, YOU BASTARD!

Seriously though, I've finally reached out to my remaining family members, just checking in. I've decided to start writing letters. Not real letters, because I no longer trust international postal services, but through email. At least to my mom. So I reached out to her.

I reached out to my brother to see how he's doing as the eldest sibling.

I reached out to my living sister, who's not too chatty. I wonder how she's doing, because she's the one who has a son the same age as my nephew who took his own life last fall. Our sister's death weighed on her, as she took on the "big sister" mantle and rushed out to Michigan to help as soon as she heard.

I reached out to my niece, who just lost her mother, and is going bridal shopping this coming weekend. The heart just breaks. (My living sister was already going to help with dress-shopping. She has awesome fashion sense.)

Last week, I actually had quite a healing conversation unexpectedly. Brett and I were out and ran into another friend. I was able to simply talk about what happened and the events of our week in the US, and how it affected me and the others I saw. It was good. I need to write that stuff down.

In fact, I think I'll go find a spot to sit and write about it.
Told you this post was nothing.

Numb

There was no indication. She seemed fine.

I mean, okay, last month she found out that all the breathing trouble she'd been having wasn't just a form of bronchitis. She had a pulmonary embolism (fancy talk for a blood clot in her lung). 

Drugs - blood thinners, maybe? - took care of it and she was doing fine.

I checked in with her regularly.
Me: How you feeling today?
📞 *talk for about 15 minutes*

~ 2 weeks later
Me: Merry Christmas! How's your lung?
Her: Sleeping well and breathing better.

Somewhere in here, she had a check up with the cardiologist who told her she was fine and he'd see her in six months.
 
~ 1.5 weeks later
Me: Are you breathing okay?
Her: Absolutely, sleeping normal and not running out of breath with normal activities.



Five days after that last message, my sister, 53 years old, dropped dead of a heart attack.

That's all I got. I'm numb. What can I say?

She is the person I talk to the most from back home. She's the one who keeps tabs on my dad, when my mom insists everyone is "fine". She's the one who works with me to get gifts to people while I live 9,000 miles away.

I don't know what will happen next, when I get a burr up my butt to call her and vent about something, or just to laugh together. I just lost my touch-stone. I'm numb.

This is twice in five months that I've taken a surprise trip to the US for a funeral of a close family member. It's not fun. It's exhausting. I didn't even spend enough time to acclimate to Eastern Time (which means no jetlag on my return to Vietnam, so that was nice). 

We got back home 2 days ago, just before Lunar New Year. A fresh start.
The belief here is that you should get rid of the bad before the new year: clean house, cut hair, reconcile... whatever. Get rid of bad juju and start the new year fresh. 
That's what I'm hoping for. Death is a part of life, but if I can have a year without such close, heart-rending deaths, that would be great.