I hadn't planned to post today. This 6-days-a-week writing and commenting on other blogs is fun, but it's nice to get a break. But something's been weighing on me, and I want to throw it to the cosmos. (assuming most of you are taking Sunday off, too.)
I was recently diagnosed "high cardiovascular risk". My first instinct was denial: This can't happen to me!
I haven't eaten red meat since 8th grade.
I eat 4-5 servings of fruits and veggies daily. Usually more.
I exercise every day.
My overall diet is good enough to meet my doctor's approval.
Yet, my blood test came up "high risk". What the Hell, universe? I was so mad. I eat right, I exercise, what am I doing it for? If I'm going to have a heart attack anyway, I might as well eat crap and be a slug all the time!
After a few days of feeling cheated, I remembered: I have more energy when I exercise regularly. I don't LIKE crap food - grease tastes like grease in my mouth, and sugar gives me bad side effects. So I might as well keep eating and exercising as I do.
Mind you, I hadn't talked with my doctor about the blood test yet. I have an "e-chart" where the blood test results automatically showed up and I got a message that I could look at them... five days before my follow-up appointment. I was just bargaining with myself.
I tried to think of what, precisely, in my life I could change to help myself. Reduce stress - sure. Stop shouting at traffic, meditate more. Try to pay attention to stress and just breathe. I can do that. I could probably cut back on alcohol and caffeine, too.
When I met with my doctor, he was not concerned about it at all. Whatever it was that showed in the blood test is not affected by diet and exercise. "You should probably start taking CoQ10. I've had several patients reduce their risk just doing that."
So that's it. I've accepted it. I'm suddenly so old that I'm taking supplements to help prevent heart attack.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Acceptance. I just grieved for...what? The myth of my health? The symbolic loss of my youth?
No conclusion. Just venting my mind.