07 June, 2012

My Dad May Be Trying To Kill Me

I used to wonder if my internet fiance Brett would survive a meeting with my father. 

Back here I put forth the possible dangers of such a meeting. Since then, as I got to know Brett better, I figured the bigger problem might be that they would team up against me. I now believe it may be a non-issue: If my dad gets me out of the way, he won't have to worry about Brett!

~~~
This post has been growing over the last few weeks. Since I first developed my hypothesis, Brett has met my parents twice and there have been no notable injuries to anyone. In fact, my father has been abnormally...normal! This just strengthens my suspicions.
~~~

I marvelled that Dad had no questions when I introduced the concept of my Internet Fiance. His only concern was that I was "meeting strange men on the internet". (For the full story, read about the Secret Squirrel Squad here.) Since I started living under my parents' roof a month ago, he hasn't asked or offered commentary about this relationship. He smiled once when handing me the phone to talk to Brett, which seemed curious. He smiled while I relayed the story of Brett teasing the kids at the ballgame. At first I chalked it up to that being a funny story.

Now I know. He can smile and be as unconcerned as the grasshopper who sang all summer. I'm the one he has access to, so I'm the one in danger.


See how cleanly I sliced that white wire?
...and notice all the exposed copper?

EXHIBIT A. Remember that I said I mowed over the extension cord? I was all apologetic and replaced the cord, then finished mowing and came inside. Mom's response was, "Did you electrocute yourself?" That hadn't even dawned on me. And Dad had expressed no such concern.

Aha! I foiled Plan A! I survived the trick extension cord. Hm...Dad told me to save it - that he'll fix it. I'd best be on guard.

EXHIBIT B. That same day, that same extension cord caught on the brick trim. Had I been hasty and just yanked on the cord, one of them would have flown up and hit me in the head. My dad may have been counting on my impatience, which would have caused me severe head trauma. Too bad for him, I decided to stop the mower and walk down to disentangle the cord. Haha! Safe!


You can see how it could be treacherous to
step backwards from the left to the right.
EXHIBIT C. The next week, again with the mowing. (Darn grass keeps growing.) This time I thought I'd follow Dad's advice to go "back and forth" across the slope instead of up and down. Oh...he's tricky! In order to do that, I had to step back across the stone path that descends the slope. I stepped back, nearly twisting my ankle on the opposite, steeper slope, and stumbled back a few steps. Had I not regained my balance quickly - thank you yoga! - I'd have certainly fallen and cracked my head open on one of the hickory trees or stumps right behind me.

Setting me up for danger, again!

EXHIBIT D. The other day, during the course of my regular dog-walk, I was bitten by a tick. I knew someone in Delaware who had Lyme's disease. That is one mess I do NOT want! My dear father tried to convince me it was a gnat. Dudes, I've never divulged to you about my work, but I was with Parks and Rec for nine years. Not only do I *think* I know a tick when I see one, but I have a card that identifies the type and whether it's engorged or not.

Haha...way to try to lull me into submitting to this horrible disease, Dad! I'm too diligent for that!

The Piece de Resistance:
The day before Brett was due to come over for a cookout and "meet the parents", dad "offered" to walk me through the gully (mentioned in "The Secret's Out..." as the perfect place to hide the bodies) ...in case I wanted to take Brett through there. We took along some rope to mark the turn to start climbing back out, and headed down.

**My dad is very agile for a 72yo!**

"The Gully" - ravine, abyss, valley of death - suddenly brought to mind the Fire Swamp from The Princess Bride: "The trees are really quite lovely!" ...only in a narrower valley.

There's a little less light filtering into our ravine/gully.
(otherwise, that could be Brett and me...)

It is a cool, green, probably photogenic walk. If you don't mind sliding over or crawling under fallen trees, and are adept at deflecting thorny bushes!

There's no real path, but once you get to the bottom you're following a stream bed. The trick of course is knowing when to turn off. If I got lost down there, I'd be vulture food. Or ROUS bobcat food, since we know Magnum (the dog) once tangled with one down there.

There's no cell phone reception, so I'd not be able to call for help. Devious plan, Dad. Touche! But I was too smart and took Brett for a walk around the pond, which I know well.

(...However, getting lost in the ravine with Brett might have been fun. Darn. Guess I didn't think that one through.)

This weekend I'm heading off to a family reunion with my parents. I'd best stay on my toes - my dad has three brothers who might be in cahoots with him!

18 comments:

  1. Was your dad ever a James Bond villian? Their plans never end up working either. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha! In a former life, that's exactly what he would have done. Thanks - I feel much better!

      Delete
  2. You must make it very clear to your father that you do not have life insurance. A few years ago, my father also tried to kill me. He kept feeding me until I almost exploded. It was all, "Nellie, I baked you a cake," and, "Nellie, I made some pasta for you." Finally, I told my dad that I canceled my life insurance policy. That stopped him.

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    Replies
    1. Good idea, Nellie! He was the one who set up my life insurance. Maybe I need to let him know that I changed my beneficiary to my goddaughter, so he wouldn't get anything anyway!

      Delete
  3. Oh My. I hope he doesn't try to fix that extension cord, it looks like you killed it pretty good. It was probably a trained murder cord, that had studied the death arts for years before your father released it to murder you. I can picture it now, hunched over in the darkness of the tool shed, looking at a picture of you and muttering "soon."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. BEST COMMENT EVER! You should take advantage of those creative juices and post something today.

      Delete
  4. Just so we know. How many days without posting should we start to worry? It is obvious he is trying to kill you, but since so many of us are far away we need to know what the signs should be. Also just so Brett knows. How many days of Brett not talking to you should he start to worry.

    This is important information!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, Brett and I talk every night, unless something comes up. So if we can't connect and haven't previously explained why not... he should worry.

      I hope to post Monday or Tuesday. But I think I 'm guest posting for Train, so you may not see me here. I can't get it to show on the blog yet, but you can now follow me on twitter @NotKlingonRed.

      Delete
  5. Oh wow. Your dad is a devious evil genius?? Keep ever vigilant, Red. He's a crafty one.

    Might you want to try to get some cohorts on YOUR side? Maybe talk to your mom so you have someone watching your back? Oh wait . . . unless she's IN ON IT WITH YOUR DAD??? Oh man, Red. You're screwed. Sorry.

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    Replies
    1. Well, I managed to survive the weekend. There were probably too many witnesses around.

      Delete
  6. Don't worry. If it took him that long to figure out that the lawnmower won't kill you, then it'll be a while before he figures out what will.

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    Replies
    1. You're right. My best defense may be to get a job and move out as soon as possible!

      I'm working on it.

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    2. There's the reason for the "mishaps". He is tired of getting beat at cards.
      If even half his tales from early life are true, he really is very devious (and we know who he passed it on to).

      Hestia

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    3. My winning streak has ended.

      Delete
  7. Replies
    1. Thank you - I liked it! But it's no exaggeration. The walk makes me look over my shoulder for ROUSes...or listen for a popping sound to precede a flame spurt.

      Delete
  8. What's with dads and making us try to mow? I want to know if there was some mass newsletter (because it started way before email became standard) that went out to all dads saying that your kid must mow the lawn before a certain age or suffer a fate worse than death

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    Replies
    1. I think it's tied in with "character building". Dad rides the riding mower and does the level parts of their acreage, and I use the push mower to get all the random slopes.

      ...or maybe it's tied to a lack of goats eating the grass.

      Delete

I enjoy a good debate. Feel free to shake things up. Tell me I'm wrong. Ask me why I have such a weird opinion. ...or, just laugh and tell how this relates to you and your life.