Disclaimer:
This will not be a funny post. Sorry in advance. If you’re looking for humor, I recommend Of Axe-Murderers and Other Creepy Folks, Reply All = EPIC FAIL, or if you’re a sci-fi nerd, maybe Star Trek: 2013… wait, WHAT!?!. Or peruse my blog roll. Most of those bloggers make me laugh! Sorry I’m out of humor today. I had a post all set to go, because the Movie Whore resurfaced over the weekend, but she’ll have to wait.
Anyone still here? Then, read on…
There’s this river in Egypt that runs past the tombs of the Pharaohs, and empties into the Mediterranean Sea. You know it? Of course you do. We’ve all been there. Funny how quickly we forget.
Well I just got my wake-up call to rouse me out of that river.
Last night I had a meltdown. I won’t go into the details, but…well it’s hard to say anything about the cause without going into detail, but the details are long and boring. The cause isn’t really important, anyway, but after it happened I drove up to Aphrodite’s house in tears. (For the full pantheon of my life, see this post - there’s a quick cheat sheet at the bottom.) While driving, I recognized my De-Nile!
There IS a certain stress to do with packing up and moving your life across country, no matter what the logic behind the move, and no matter how positive the expected outcome is. I’ve been so busy parading around in my big girl panties doing the “I’m tough enough” dance that I didn’t realize I was on a sail barge through Moses’ birthplace!
I’m not ignorant of the need to “grieve” the place one is leaving. Indeed, I had made a list of places and things I need to see or do before leaving. I couldn’t turn the list into any kind of interesting blog-post, but I believe in closure on anything I may miss out on. In Indiana I expect to miss things like walking on the beach, visiting the Smithsonian, going to Hersheypark… I guess that’s neither here nor there.
ANYway, I got to Aphrodite’s and she understood the reason for my meltdown. She did NOT say, “you must be smoking crack to do that”, but gave me advice on next steps. There was a legitimate action that had upset me (it wasn’t simply overwhelming stress) and I need to address the person responsible. I cried; she listened. Aphrodite is an outstanding listener.
Gradually the moment passed and we moved on to other things, like her poor dog’s bad leg (ACL?)…the dog was snuggling up to me the whole time – recognized my distress. Animals can be amazing.
I want to stress that I AM NOT a waterworks factory! Aphrodite is one of an extremely small number of people who have seen me cry. This wasn’t me. I started to say I should go. She asked if I needed help packing or…anything. God bless Aphrodite!
And thus we arrived at the “moving” issue, and why I'm going, and how lucky I am to be able to uproot myself, and pretty soon we were all cry-ey and huggy again. Guh. I hate tears. They’re my worst look.
But AH! Catharsis! I’ve never been able to talk to Aphrodite properly about my wishes to leave – for the past couple of years. It’s been a stumbling block to me in our friendship. Now, we understand each other.
It was a very rough night for me. But needed. I realized while overcoming my denial that I’ve been bargaining all along, too. As I tell people I’m leaving, I leave it open: “I’ll be back!” …yeah, next February for the Polar Bear Plunge, at least. Why am I doing that? What’s next? Anger? Maybe I got through that step with this meltdown. I sure hope so.
That’s all it was, but my heart hurts this morning. I’ll recover, don’t you worry.
Tune back in tomorrow when the Movie Whore will make another appearance!
OH! And your reason to celebrate? (you thought I forgot...)
Ostara – a pagan festival that basically means “spring is coming”.
OR, if you’re more conventional you could just celebrate the equinox. Similar, but astronomical, not pagan.
Wonderful that you have a sister who listens as well as that. Can't wait for your next post so that we know you're heartache is on its way out!
ReplyDeleteActually, aphrodite is my best friend. I will miss her presence in my life even though she will only be a phone call away.
DeleteExcept that according to my facebook she's a sister!
Lol, sorry, I should have gone back and checked your old post! I suggested the character list but then don't use it as a reference... shameful of me, very shameful ;-)
Delete.......and I was so sure she was your sister too ;-)
No apology needed. I started to say she's a friend when I realized that I was the one who labelled her "sister". Just, you know, not biologically.
DeleteI'm sorry you are having a hard time with this, but it does sound like it was a release you needed. And aphrodite sounds like a fantastic friend that can just listen and help you deal with these things by being your sounding board. More of us need people like that. A good cry can also be an amazing release. I had a little breakdown about a month or so ago, where the hubs was the sounding board and I cried big fat ugly tears. Also not a good look for me, but it was oh so helpful for me at the time.
ReplyDeleteCan you give us a clue as to the trigger for this meltdown, or was it just everything all piled up and the damn finally broke?
Briefly, I'm involved in community theatre, and was supposedly "assistant director" of the current show. The director had started dismissing my thoughts, then it became belittling. I was very patient, thinking maybe he was having a bad day each time it happened, but it finally happened one too many times.
DeleteI walked off the set, which I've never done, so part of my distress is feeling like a quitter. Which I shouldn't. I don't put up with that kind of treatment is all.
And yes. I needed it. And a long I.M. chat into the wee hours of the morning with another very supportive person.
I am happy you made it through the night. Hopefully that release will carry you for a while.
ReplyDeleteHaving Aphrodite on the same page with me helps. Regarding my meltdown and, finally regarding my leaving.
ReplyDeleteHow do you feel now that you have shared this experience with many more people? Most, I imagine, are strangers that you are exposing vulnerability to
ReplyDeleteWell, I did say I was going to try to be more open here.
DeleteActually, if I was smart, I'd have given the title a "Moving 101" prefix. I hoped to have several blogs with helpful information about moving, it's just not happening that way so far and there's only one.
But I think others may go through the same kind of thing, so I'm glad I shared.
Hugs. I know these are late, but sometimes the late ones are just as helpful. Everyone is there to lean on when the grief is fresh, but it can be later when you realize you are still sad and you feel like nobody wants to hear it anymore. Why are we all so darn hard on ourselves?
ReplyDeleteOpening up to vulnerability is so hard. I have not been posting lately because I fear over sharing some negative aspects of my life so openly. I don't know why. Nobody's life is perfect and the people who cause these moments are not bad people, just catalysts for growth. You may have inspired me to actually post the things I have written over the last few weeks. To hell with being afraid of people judging me or my family. Keeping it all bottled up is a terrible thing to do to our bodies, and our spirits.
Blah blah blah. March 20th is my mother's birthday, but we have never celebrated it that way. We are only allowed to celebrate the coming of spring. It is one of my favorite times of year. Living in eastern Washington state, we have terribly long, gloomy winters, and even though they may not have butt loads of snow (sometimes) the lack of sunshine turns me into a cranky pants. I love that now I can prop open my back door (it may be in the forties but that is WARM for us) and let the sunshine in.
I really love your readers, by the way. They are all incredibly supportive and nonjudgmental. What a beautiful thing.
I would probably be more scared to post this if my friends and family visited my blog. They don't know about it, so y'all are like a therapist to me: unswayed by any real-life interaction.
DeleteBut you're right: get it out there! And again, late night conversations with a third party (as I alluded to in my response to Misty) really carried me through.