Can "Brown" Do This For Me?

You know that ad campaign: "What can Brown do for you?"

Logistics, isn't that the answer? 



(I don't want to plagiarize their actual marketing)



I'm without TV at the moment, so haven't seen any recent UPS commercials, but for a while they were about how fantastic UPS was at handling the logistics of your problem. (Overseas readers: UPS is a delivery company – I don't know if they're international.)

Well, I have logistical issues, Brown! Where's my cute delivery guy in an ugly brown shirt and shorts? Come on, UPS, break out the white board and connect the dots for me! Here's a list of my logistical issues that I'll give you to start with. In one month I have to:

1. Forward mail – easy in theory, but they now want a credit card number for verification online? Why?
2. Contact magazine subscriptions – good luck finding the number for High Country News!
3. Reserve a rental truck
4. Schedule a final doctor's appointment – you know, I'm leaving all healthcare benefits behind, and all.
5. Schedule a final optometrist's appointment – (that will give me a valid prescription for two more years of contact-ordering)
6. Schedule car service – 700+ miles is a long way to drive with a loaded car!
7. Clean my home-office in order to pack it – not just file papers that need filing, but this includes deciding what old stuff is a “memento” or “reference”, and what can  be tossed out. Be careful, Brown. It's a delicate balance between memento and junk!
8. Sell piano, entertainment center and dresser – this will be hard, because they are in use...how will you get a picture to show the buyer? Tricky, Brown, very tricky!
9. Cancel gym membership – Ooh...timing on this one is critical.
10. Banking – I need to know if my bank has branches near my new home. If not, my accounts will need to be transferred or something. This may involve a meeting actually at the bank. Yeah. Have fun with that.

Got it all, Brown? You see, the logistical problem here is not the time-frame, but that I have to do this...

...All while working a full-time job, a part-time job, and making plans to visit the places with sentimental significance, and finding ways to say my good-byes.

Now, Brown, you don't have to worry about the logistics of good-byes – one more concert with Aphrodite and a “help me drain my liquor cabinet” party will cover everyone if I don't see them beforehand. And you don't have to worry about the sentimental places – I'll be day-tripping to as many as I can when my internet fiance is off the grid for a week.

Just focus on the above list, and we're good to go. I really appreciate your help, Brown. I'll keep an eye out for my cute, brown-uniformed logistical specialist. Thanks!

And today's Reason To Celebrate (thank you Cranky & Difficult):

I almost hate to say this, but it's too funny not to celebrate - On this day in 1998 the FDA approved Viagra! (Seems like we've been getting their spam emails a lot longer, doesn't it?) There's a joke in here somewhere...