27 March, 2012

Can "Brown" Do This For Me?

You know that ad campaign: "What can Brown do for you?"
Logistics, isn't that the answer? 

(I don't want to plagiarize their actual marketing)

I'm without TV at the moment, so haven't seen any recent UPS commercials, but for a while they were about how fantastic UPS was at handling the logistics of your problem. (Overseas readers: UPS is a delivery company – I don't know if they're international.)

Well, I have logistical issues, Brown! Where's my cute delivery guy in an ugly brown shirt and shorts? Come on, UPS, break out the white board and connect the dots for me! Here's a list of my logistical issues that I'll give you to start with. In one month I have to:
  1. Forward mail – easy in theory, but they now want a credit card number for verification online? Why?
  2. Contact magazine subscriptions – good luck finding the number for High Country News!
  3. Reserve a rental truck
  4. Schedule a final doctor's appointment – you know, I'm leaving all healthcare benefits behind, and all.
  5. Schedule a final optometrist's appointment – (that will give me a valid prescription for two more years of contact-ordering)
  6. Schedule car service – 700+ miles is a long way to drive with a loaded car!
  7. Clean my home-office in order to pack it – not just file papers that need filing, but this includes deciding what old stuff is a “memento” or “reference”, and what can  be tossed out. Be careful, Brown. It's a delicate balance between memento and junk!
  8. Sell piano, entertainment center and dresser – this will be hard, because they are in use...how will you get a picture to show the buyer? Tricky, Brown, very tricky!
  9. Cancel gym membership – Ooh...timing on this one is critical.
  10. Banking – I need to know if my bank has branches near my new home. If not, my accounts will need to be transferred or something. This may involve a meeting actually at the bank. Yeah. Have fun with that.

Got it all, Brown? You see, the logistical problem here is not the time-frame, but that I have to do this...

...All while working a full-time job, a part-time job, and making plans to visit the places with sentimental significance, and finding ways to say my good-byes.

Now, Brown, you don't have to worry about the logistics of good-byes – one more concert with Aphrodite and a “help me drain my liquor cabinet” party will cover everyone if I don't see them beforehand. And you don't have to worry about the sentimental places – I'll be day-tripping to as many as I can when my internet fiance is off the grid for a week.

Just focus on the above list, and we're good to go. I really appreciate your help, Brown. I'll keep an eye out for my cute, brown-uniformed logistical specialist. Thanks!

And today's Reason To Celebrate (thank you Cranky & Difficult):
I almost hate to say this, but it's too funny not to celebrate - On this day in 1998 the FDA approved Viagra! (Seems like we've been getting their spam emails a lot longer, doesn't it?) There's a joke in here somewhere...


  1. I have a UPS lady who visits regularly. I feel that her life is not going well because when I ask how she is today, she always tells me about how something sucks. (note: when someone you don't know well asks you how you are, that someone doesn't really want an honest answer...)
    Gym member cancellations are tricky. I had to pay for almost 2 months more than I was actually using once because of their fine print cancellation policy. I didn't work out for those two months just to prove a point... Yes, I know that doesn't make much sense.

    1. Oh no! Maybe I should call the gym today, just to check. I stuck with them through a move and a franchise change, so hopefully they'll be compassionate!

      That's weird about your UPS lady. I've always found that, of all the delivery companies I've had delivering to me at work, the UPS-guys are always the nicest, friendliest, and usually the best looking.

  2. It says my comment was published but I'm fairly certain that I didn't type up any feedback yet!

    Good luck on all these arrangements. I had to reread the sentence about your Internet Fiancé being off the grid for a week - because my mind kept reading it as,

    "and you don't have to worry about the sentimental places - I'll be day-trpping to as many as I can when my internet fiance comes here for a week".

    Sigh... oh well lol...

    Happy FDA Viagra Approval Day... that just cracked me up!

    1. Yeah, I get so many viagra and cialis ads on my personal *and work* email (believe it or not), that I'm beginning to wonder about my own sexuality!

      Sorry to disappoint you but no, he's not coming here for a week. I just figured that when he's busy with his daughter would be a good time for me to be busy with my own stuff. I can't very well email or text while I'm driving to and from DC or Hershey, so I (hopefully) won't miss our email-chats.

  3. I have never liked the credit card request from USPS either. I never give it to them. I still do it the old fashioned way. Fill out the moving card and mail it in. No need for a credit card that way.

    Maybe you could merge the "empty liquor cabinet" party with a "help me pack and make preparations" party.

    Drunken calls to UPS, the bank and other places would keep your moving process very exciting.

    1. DOH! I was just at the post office - I could have picked one up!

      The "help me drain my liquor cabinet" party is set for the last Friday I have free, and I hope to have most everything packed by then. I've told everyone that unless it's warm enough to be out back, we will be sitting around piles of boxes.

      Drunk dialing - never tried that before! ...especially not during business hours. That could be interesting...

    2. I did the 'help me empty out my liquor cabinet/move my stuff' party - once. It didn't go very well. Now I know the liquor part should come after the move is complete!

    3. Yeah, I see all sorts of problems with that now. I guess it depends on how much you like your stuff.

  4. Love the party name.

    The best party I have ever hosted was at unit entitled "Rusty gets his VCR back" party.

    That's right, I said VCR. Its the only way you can watch Star Wars that hasn't been messed with too much.

    1. Ooh...original SW... excuse the drool. They should really re-release those on DVD, just because all those videos are going to stretch out and there won't be any more.

      I figure I'll email everyone during the week before the party to let them know what's still here, and if there's a recipe they want to try, they can fill in any blanks.

  5. You obviously meant "driving to DC and Hershey AND BALTIMORE . . . " right? RIGHT?? :)

    Good luck with all of that. I mean . . . good luck to that cute shorts wearing UPS dude.

    1. I do! I do! I do mean "and Baltimore"! I've been saying those 3 together so much I just truncated the phrase for no reason. I still don't have a date confirmed for Balto, but I'm considering doing DC on the 16th for a Christopher Moore book-signing.

    2. I understand this has nothing to do with your post itself, but did you just say "Christopher Moore book-signing"?
      Yes, I realize it doesn't work out as well for me to pretend I didn't hear you right when I can glance slightly upward and see what you "said".
      I am so jealous, I can't even feel bad for you and your logistics problems. Okay, fine, I feel a little bad. I say, ask the FedEx guys, because around our office THOSE are the hot ones. Even if they mess up your tasks, WOWSA!

    3. yes, Christopher Moore. I went to his book signing a couple years ago for...Shoot! The purple cover... I don't think it was Bite Me, I think it was the one after that.

      So I feel kind of guilty about going again, but I really want his new book because it's about Van Gogh and should be very interesting.

  6. Oh Viagra, the magical blue pill.

    Apparently taking too much of it causes you to see blue too. :P

    1. Hmm...I've not heard that one. I can honestly say I've never tried it!

  7. You could always demand your money back for false advertising...

    1. Oh! Good idea!
      ...of course that would involve actually paying them in the first place.


I enjoy a good debate. Feel free to shake things up. Tell me I'm wrong. Ask me why I have such a weird opinion. ...or, just laugh and tell how this relates to you and your life.