02 April, 2012

The Movie Whore Takes on John Carter

Sunday I was busy packing like a good little worker-bee when I heard a voice.
Note the boxes are neatly piled up in a corner...
except the ones you can't see that are in the bookshelves.

Voice: Mmm...popcorn...

I went for the air-popper and realized it was the Movie Whore returning. I realized it was her because the voice's response to my action was...

Voice: Really? Air-popped? Right. You know we need the fluffy, yellow, overly salty stuff. And you know where we can get it.

Darn that whore. I put away the air-popper and tried to ignore her.

Movie Whore: You can't ignore me! I'll distract you all afternoon until you appease me!

So I called the cinema and found two options. See, I was supposed to go see John Carter in 2D tonight. I know nothing about the movie, but a fellow sci-fi nerd thought it might be my style. Neither of us are wild 3D fans, though. Well, the movies changed on Friday and the 2D version is gone, so we decided we will go to Hunger Games tonight instead.

With Hunger Games off my list for Sunday, and knowing that the movies would be crowded with kids for The Lorax or Mirror Mirror, I narrowed our Sunday choices to:
The Wrath of the Titans (in 2D) at 4:30
or, yep...
John Carter (in 3D) at 4:05.

I compromised with the Movie Whore – if we could hold off the cravings until 4:30, so much the better. (Because, you know, “The Titans” are all Greek mythology and whatnot).

~~~ 
I tried to assuage her hunger with grapes.

Movie Whore: ...Popcorn?

A while later a banana.

Movie Whore: ...Yeah, but when am I getting my salty goodness?

I wanted to wait for the Wrath of the Titans at 4:30, but we had a deal. Really pushing it, I came out with almonds. (At least they're crunchy.)

Movie Whore: Alright, Red. Enough with the healthy stuff! I need to jack up my sodium!
(She was starting to sound like Audrey II in Little Shop of Horrors - "Feed me, Seymour!")

It was only 3:00. Looked like the 4:05 showing of John Carter – in 3D, no less! - was the winner.


Yippee. The one I opted out of earlier, but was still mildly curious about. So we went.

The Movie Whore enjoyed her popcorn, even though there was a young (6yo?) French girl babbling to her daddy across the aisle from us. ...and it seemed that “Daddy” hadn't learned to chew with his mouth closed: >CRUNCH< … >crunch-crunch< … >crunchity-crunch!<

DELIBERATE TANGENT
Before we get to the Movie Whore's take on what was happening on-screen, let's back up and discuss the title: “John Carter”. Doesn't say much. You don't get any idea what it's about, do you? Is that smart? Is it clever?

“Young Frankenstein” tells you it's somehow going to involve a “Frankenstein”-style monster.
“Vertigo” tells you a primary character suffers from vertigo.
Star Trek” tells you some characters are traveling among the stars.
“Kill Bill” implies that someone is trying to off someone named Bill.

Now, I've seen movies named after people, too:
“Patton” - guess who that's about?
“JFK” - Ooh...I wonder.
“Aladdin” - yep, even with fictional characters the title can imply a lot.
“Doctor Zhivago” - even if you've NEVER HEARD OF THE BOOK, you know he's a doctor!

Is John Carter an historical character? No.
Is he a fictional character? Well if he is based on a book, I have to say he's not well-known enough to merit a title without a subtitle. Let me try...

“JOHN CARTER: Archaeologist to Mars” ...See? Now you have an idea that the guy is an archaeologist and that at least part of the movie happens on Mars! It's not that difficult, Disney!

Actually, my pretend title makes it sound deeper than it is. (OOH! Bazinga!!)

The good news: Maybe next time I'll be able to talk the Movie Whore out of going if there's not a good choice.

So, John Carter, in a nutshell:

A very long-winded, bizarre way to tell the old “boy meets girl” love story.

That's right. I said it. It's a chick flick. Except that half the characters have four arms and green skin – If you're racist enough to CARE about that!

Oh, and there is an Avatar-like message near the end about how society will always destroy itself and then the planet, if left to it's own devices. Yeah. "Avatar-like message" ...But without the great direction and amazing special effects of Avatar. I mean, there are special effects, obviously, but not nearly as good.

By the way, does Dominic West ever play a good guy? I haven't liked him in anything ever since I first saw him in Gladiator. (Remember that one?) I gotta hand it to him: he does “bad” so well that you REALLY hate him. His characters that is. All I know about him personally is that he appeared to be stoned once on a late night talk show. Maybe he was stoned more than once; I've only seen the one time.

You know what would be a better way to spend your time than watching this movie?

Watching Cowboys and Aliens. THAT was cool. Han Solo versus .007, directed by Steven Spielberg, ...who knows something about special effects...and aliens...and action movies.

The Movie Whore has admitted defeat for now. I don't know if she will join me for Hunger Games tonight. Maybe she will stay home and read the book instead.

16 comments:

  1. I see you got the BAZINGA in there. Well played archeology pun.

    John Carter is officially off my list of movies to watch. Even on DVD. With Netflix, I have a tendency to get complacent and let a lot of really bad flicks into my home.

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    1. I'm humbled to know that the Movie Whore's opinion had an effect.

      And yes, Bazinga is good. I have actually found myself laughing a version of Sheldon Cooper's laugh if something is mildly funny and does not merit my supposed "evil" laugh. ...or if I'm laughing at my own joke. Big Bang Theory has so many great things to copy!

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  2. Wow... sounds horrendous - but possibly the sort of movie that's fun to watch with friends and laugh at.

    There was a movie where Tom Cruise was a race car driver - don't remember the name - but anyway, we watched that at three in the morning and couldn't stop laughing. Especially at one point when he said "shit man!".... I guess we were just really tired because we sat there and re-watched that moment 100 times.

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    1. You know what? Half wiped-out, slap-happy tired at 3a.m., this might be a good one to watch! Especially after something creepy.

      During Hurricane Irene last fall, I stayed at a friend's house inland (I had to evacuate, being too close to the beach) and we watched The Shining just because she was shocked that I'd never seen it. We needed something kind of ridiculous to watch after that (or at least I did). John Carter would have been a good one.

      Hmm...Maybe the Movie Whore should do a movie pairing!

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  3. Ah!!! My friend begged me to go see "John Carter" because she's madly in love with the fictional Tim Riggins and her life hasn't been the same since "Friday Night Lights" ended. I put my foot down because... seriously? And she wasn't even going to pay for my ticket ;)

    I saw "Hunger Games" last weekend and really enjoyed it - it will be interesting to see what you think.

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    1. Loved hunger games (just got home). It was a totally absorbing movie. I can't wait to (read the book of course, and) see how the story moves forward in the sequels!

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  4. John Carter is based on a seven book seriess: John Carter of Mars. They were written 90 years ago and are Sci Fi classics and they have been wanting to do a movie for more than 80 year. Who knows why they dropped the "of Mars" bit. I think mostly to not alienate (Bazzinga) the anti sci fi audience.

    I enjoyed the movie, the fights were well staged, the acting wasn't that bad, the effect were okay, they did stray from the story a little because of it being Disney. The director is the same dude that did the Disney Pixar film Wally, and you can see some of the correlation. I believe it wont be the best movie this year, but it wont disappoint you like Wrath of the Titans will. Do you remember how bad that first one was?

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    1. Thank you, Rusty! That's what the comment section is for, I think. Question my opinions. Awesome. I had no idea it was based on a book, and I still think a subtitle - and perhaps more explicit trailers would have helped. Maybe I should read the book!

      The fights were well-staged. I agree. As straight up entertainment though, I stand by my statement.

      I never saw the first Titans, so won't cry if I miss this one. I just thought the mythology thing sounds appealing. I'm glad you chimed in!

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    2. You should read the books. Books don't last 90 years if they are complete rubbish. There are some parts that are a little slow, and it was written in a time where we didn't know as much about Mars as we do now, but all in all if you like sci fi then they are good.

      Clash of the Titans survived on the hype of Avitar and 3D novelty. It was just a terrible movie. Wrath, I feel, is going to be the same. It has gotten a flogging on rotten tomatoes, but then again John Carter is hovering around 50% so I may not be the best judge of movie :p

      I agree that Cowboys And Aliens is waaay better though

      Han Solo + 007 + and that chick from Tron (preffered her costume in Tron)= awesome

      Will be interested to see what you say about Hunger Games. :)

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  5. Yeah, I was going to point out what Rusty said too. Those books came out waaaaaay before Avatar, so perhaps Avatar is John Carter-like and not the other way around?

    My husband and I were just talking about how a movie like John Cater can have such a huge budget, and yet the special effect are lacking, whereas a movie like District 9 can be super low budget and have awesome effects. To many fingers in the pot with John Carter, I guess.

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    1. I didn't really see any connection between Avatar and John Carter aside from that one tiny mention of a sort of "save the earth" type of message. Story-wise they are quite different.

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  6. I wasn't sure if I wanted to see John Carter. I'll probably still put it in my Netflix queue. If I can sit through all those SciFi B movies, I could manage this one. Those kinds of movies, I tend to sit on my couch with my laptop and not really pay much attention to it. Just enough to have an idea what's going on.

    And there is nothing better than movie theater popcorn. I have, on occasion, gone into a theater, bought popcorn and walked out and gone home to watch a DVD.

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    1. Dude...the Movie Whore is so bad. She gets the bucket (with free refills) then refills it when we leave, so she has movie popcorn for the next DVD we watch at home.

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    2. I also buy the refillable bucket and fill it up before we head home. I LOVE stale movie popcorn! It's my favorite snack out there.
      I think we'll end up renting John Carter. We are fans of the books and I am also a little moon eyed over "Tim Riggins". Plus, I love cheesy Sci-Fi. I had a party to watch Sharktopus, so low budget special effects don't really bother me. It'll have to be one of those movies where I'm in the mood for silly though, it sounds like.

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    3. Oh, I don't let it get stale. When I get home I dump the bucket into a gallon-ziploc, and set it aside until I need it.

      I'll have to look up this "Tim Riggins". You're the second person to mention him.

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I enjoy a good debate. Feel free to shake things up. Tell me I'm wrong. Ask me why I have such a weird opinion. ...or, just laugh and tell how this relates to you and your life.