The Movie Whore Takes on John Carter

Sunday I was busy packing like a good little worker-bee when I heard a voice.

Note the boxes are neatly piled up in a corner...
except the ones you can't see that are in the bookshelves.

Voice: Mmm...popcorn...

I went for the air-popper and realized it was the Movie Whore returning. I realized it was her because the voice's response to my action was...

Voice: Really? Air-popped? Right. You know we need the fluffy, yellow, overly salty stuff. And you know where we can get it.

Darn that whore. I put away the air-popper and tried to ignore her.

Movie Whore: You can't ignore me! I'll distract you all afternoon until you appease me!

So I called the cinema and found two options. See, I was supposed to go see John Carter in 2D tonight. I know nothing about the movie, but a fellow sci-fi nerd thought it might be my style. Neither of us are wild 3D fans, though. Well, the movies changed on Friday and the 2D version is gone, so we decided we will go to Hunger Games tonight instead.

With Hunger Games off my list for Sunday, and knowing that the movies would be crowded with kids for The Lorax or Mirror Mirror, I narrowed our Sunday choices to:

The Wrath of the Titans (in 2D) at 4:30

or, yep...

John Carter (in 3D) at 4:05.

I compromised with the Movie Whore – if we could hold off the cravings until 4:30, so much the better. (Because, you know, “The Titans” are all Greek mythology and whatnot).

~~~ 

I tried to assuage her hunger with grapes.

Movie Whore: ...Popcorn?

A while later a banana.

Movie Whore: ...Yeah, but when am I getting my salty goodness?

I wanted to wait for the Wrath of the Titans at 4:30, but we had a deal. Really pushing it, I came out with almonds. (At least they're crunchy.)

Movie Whore: Alright, Red. Enough with the healthy stuff! I need to jack up my sodium!

(She was starting to sound like Audrey II in Little Shop of Horrors - "Feed me, Seymour!")

It was only 3:00. Looked like the 4:05 showing of John Carter – in 3D, no less! - was the winner.

Yippee. The one I opted out of earlier, but was still mildly curious about. So we went.

The Movie Whore enjoyed her popcorn, even though there was a young (6yo?) French girl babbling to her daddy across the aisle from us. ...and it seemed that “Daddy” hadn't learned to chew with his mouth closed: >CRUNCH< … >crunch-crunch< … >crunchity-crunch!<

DELIBERATE TANGENT

Before we get to the Movie Whore's take on what was happening on-screen, let's back up and discuss the title: “John Carter”. Doesn't say much. You don't get any idea what it's about, do you? Is that smart? Is it clever?

“Young Frankenstein” tells you it's somehow going to involve a “Frankenstein”-style monster.

“Vertigo” tells you a primary character suffers from vertigo.

“Star Trek” tells you some characters are traveling among the stars.

“Kill Bill” implies that someone is trying to off someone named Bill.

Now, I've seen movies named after people, too:

“Patton” - guess who that's about?

“JFK” - Ooh...I wonder.

“Aladdin” - yep, even with fictional characters the title can imply a lot.

“Doctor Zhivago” - even if you've NEVER HEARD OF THE BOOK, you know he's a doctor!

Is John Carter an historical character? No.

Is he a fictional character? Well if he is based on a book, I have to say he's not well-known enough to merit a title without a subtitle. Let me try...

“JOHN CARTER: Archaeologist to Mars” ...See? Now you have an idea that the guy is an archaeologist and that at least part of the movie happens on Mars! It's not that difficult, Disney!

Actually, my pretend title makes it sound deeper than it is. (OOH! Bazinga!!)

The good news: Maybe next time I'll be able to talk the Movie Whore out of going if there's not a good choice.

So, John Carter, in a nutshell:

A very long-winded, bizarre way to tell the old “boy meets girl” love story.

That's right. I said it. It's a chick flick. Except that half the characters have four arms and green skin – If you're racist enough to CARE about that!

Oh, and there is an Avatar-like message near the end about how society will always destroy itself and then the planet, if left to it's own devices. Yeah. "Avatar-like message" ...But without the great direction and amazing special effects of Avatar. I mean, there are special effects, obviously, but not nearly as good.

By the way, does Dominic West ever play a good guy? I haven't liked him in anything ever since I first saw him in Gladiator. (Remember that one?) I gotta hand it to him: he does “bad” so well that you REALLY hate him. His characters that is. All I know about him personally is that he appeared to be stoned once on a late night talk show. Maybe he was stoned more than once; I've only seen the one time.

You know what would be a better way to spend your time than watching this movie?

Watching Cowboys and Aliens. THAT was cool. Han Solo versus .007, directed by Steven Spielberg, ...who knows something about special effects...and aliens...and action movies.

The Movie Whore has admitted defeat for now. I don't know if she will join me for Hunger Games tonight. Maybe she will stay home and read the book instead.