Reassessing What's Important

I am utterly apathetic these days. 

I don't think it's depression. It was, and sometimes is, but even when the depression fog lifts, I have zero motivation to do anything.

I'm learning two languages. Theoretically. I cancelled both classes last week, and haven't looked at the homework for either one.

I called off the classes because I'm trying to finish the novel I started in Nanowrimo last year. The ending is proving elusive, and I thought that if I gave myself permission to focus just on writing, I could sort it out. I did not. I wrote less on the days of the cancelled classes than on previous days. 

I called my mom the other day. Thought maybe a touch of normalcy would help shake me out of this ... whatever it is. It did not. It was yet another conversation of small talk, peppered with updates on my siblings as much as she knew. (My family does not partake of deep conversation with each other.)

So I'm just here to make sense of my own self.

Learning Mandarin was vital when we lived in China. I still think it's a good idea, and it is helpful with my little online Chinese students. But am I learning simply for vanity? To be able to brag? It will look good on a resume if I ever go back into the normal workforce, but how likely is that?

Learning Vietnamese is a good idea because I live here, but many foreigners don't bother learning it. Two reasons. 1) We are in a touristy area where minimal Vietnamese is needed. Most vendors and businesses that will have dealings with a foreigner have some basic English. 2) Pronunciation is apparently vastly different from north to south, so learning it in one place doesn't mean you'll understand it elsewhere. BUT 1) vendors and business-people appreciate a foreigner who at least tries to speak Vietnamese - even poorly, and 2) We haven't yet traveled away from the central coastal region, so ...

Do I continue with language classes? For both languages?

Before I started teaching online, when I decided that I was a Writer first and foremost, I forced myself to spend time writing. I keep adding hours teaching, which makes it feel like my main job. I mean, being paid NOW is more motivating than working long hours for the potential of payment later, should I ever be published. 

I think I need to cut back on teaching hours, and maybe relax the Mandarin for a bit. I don't know what that looks like time-wise, but at least I have an idea of a potential solution!

Thanks, Blogger. This has been productive.

Red Tape

Here's my joke: 
They call it "red-tape" because the Communists do it the best. 

...or the most. 

I'm not good at jokes. 

Living in a communist country has really introduced me to a depth of layers of bureaucratic B.S. that I would never have believed existed.

We spent more than 2 hours this afternoon at our local police station to get a document that it turns out none of the staff there knew how to do!

TWO HOURS! We never did get the document. Brett was livid. Now we have to go back tomorrow armed with a Chinese-speaking friend, and another friend's phone number, who knows people higher up at this office and can perhaps get something done.

When you move to China, you have to register with your local police bureau - very local, like just a few blocks - and they will issue a residency permit. If we stay anywhere else we are to register there until we go home. Staying at a hotel is not a problem, because most hotels have an officer who handles this kind of thing.

We recently read that when you move from your district, you should go to that same office to get a - well, basically a criminal background check. An official letter that says that you haven't committed any crimes while living here. That is all we were trying to get. We had the name of the document in English and Chinese to show to the clerk. I noticed that she seemed somewhat baffled, but they collected our passports and started working. 

Other people came and went, and 2 hours later we were called up to get ... new residency permits! Which we didn't need because ours are still valid. 

This is a very Chinese thing. They don't want to admit they can't do something so they will do what they can. Even if it is the wrong thing and wastes your afternoon for a pointless new piece of paper.

I love traveling. I love living in different countries. I think visiting is great, but by actually residing in a new culture, you really learn about them and yourself.

But seriously, people.

Starting Over

Okay, I'll try this again. I can't seem to get my thoughts in order, but the longer I postpone writing, the worse it'll be.

We returned from the States and launched into Mandarin

classes. Which is fun, but requires study time outside the 6 hours per week that we're in class. Also, the last two weeks I worked double hours to make up for the 2 weeks I was gone. I have slept and slept on the weekends.

When we moved overseas when I was a kid, the mission group we were with had established timelines: Live in a country for 3 years, then return for a 3 month furlough. That was the timeline we followed. I never thought about it until this trip to the US after just 10 months. I now understand the wisdom of that plan.

Do you know how easy life is in the States? You can go anywhere you want to, without checking in with people. 

Such wide open spaces!

You can buy... SO much. I wanted to record one of our shopping trips to Walmart to share with my Chinese friends here, but decided that might be insensitive, or send a message of greed and materialism.

Seriously - popcorn!


And the heaven that is a bottomless cup of coffee...



My first thought, as we left the Vancouver airport and meandered that city, was, "Man, these Canadians are tall!" Of course, they're no taller on average than Americans. It was just the culture shock of not feeling like a giant!

We had to take the trip when we did. We had given ourselves one year to keep things in storage, with the goal that after a year we would know better what we still might need. So we had to clean out the storage unit, and really put a push out to sell my car. Due to school vacation times, our "one year" became 10 months, so that we could be back in time for school to start.

We cleared out the storage unit - with great success! And succeeded in selling my car. Yay! But on the whole I think the trip was premature. Now I'm back almost to the beginning of trying to consider Beijing home. Not that I want to go back to the States. It's easier, yes, but a LOT more expensive. I speak the language there, but I'm learning this one. 

I don't really know what my problem is. I guess, on the whole, I'll never really be "happy" anywhere, so I just wish I lived in a location that I liked better, so the "unhappy" could be a little comfortable.

I'll be more positive when I write again. I promise. I just need to re-settle a bit.

Starting Over

"If you can't be a good example, you'll have to be a horrible warning!"  
~ attributed to many different people, usually women. Take your pick.

If there is one thing that people can - and do, apparently - learn from me, it's that it's never too late to start over. Typically, my reset button has entailed lengthy moves, and new jobs, but that's not needed for everyone.

Since college, friends have told me how they admire my strength and independence. Part of that happened because I had no choice. If you don't have others to rely on, you simply must rely on yourself. And you CAN do it.

I hope that the younger generations within my family recognize that in me. If you find yourself in a place you didn't expect and don't appreciate, change it!

It's not always easy, and it may require sacrifice. It's a choice. How much is your happiness worth? 

Maybe relocating or changing jobs is not for you. There are many reasons this may be so. If that's the case, but you are not happy with the way things are, find something that you can improve, and DO IT! One particular mother whose blog I follow makes a point to get up extra early so that she can get in exercise and personal time before her husband leaves for work.

It's a sacrifice of sleep, for the benefit of self-care.

A newly divorced person I know took great care to make her new home exactly what she wanted. It is a charming place full of the art and books she loves, done in colors that appeal to her. She hadn't found the perfect dining set yet, so she's waiting for the right piece that makes her happy. Her new home is happier than her old one, because, although divorce is difficult and often sad, she embraced the change and made it work for her... and for her family.

Starting over happens in many ways, and I truly hope that anyone who observes my life can glean some strength about this. What legacy do you hope to leave behind?

Today's prompt was about what you hope people learn from your life.

THIS moment

My heart hurts. For no reason.
It's not home-sickness. It may be the cumulative effect of being in limbo for so long and still not having any clue how this situation will resolve itself. Or it may just be the depression I've been fending off finally settling in.

[By "situation" I am referring to the fact of living in Beijing without a clear-cut job situation, and working whatever we can, as we can, while paying bills in two countries, and searching for better employment opportunities. It takes its toll.]

I look out our windows at this busy, crowded, smoggy, crazy city and smile thinking, "I love our town. This is home," but I'm not happy. I walk down to my produce vendor and smile and greet her, and love the produce I get, but I'm not happy.

I love my husband, but we've been basically home almost every day together for weeks, and it's taking it's toll. I'm not happy.

Today, my heart hurts. I want to stay home and curl up under a table and do nothing, but that doesn't help. Nothing does.

I could try to eat away the pain, but that wouldn't help - it would just add a stomach-ache to the heart-ache.

I could try to drink away the pain, but that wouldn't help and I'd feel awful when I woke up.

I'm trying to focus on the moments. THIS moment - I am writing. THIS moment my stomach is full. THIS moment I am sheltered from the pollution by staying in my home. THIS moment I have completed a load of laundry and hung it to dry. THIS moment I chuckled at my husband's silly dance while singing "happy birthday" to his daughter.

In THIS moment, I am fine. In THIS moment, heart-ache doesn't matter. Maybe if I can string together enough "THIS moments", my heart will begin to feel better on its own.

Y is for York, Pennsylvania

After college, I floundered. I was living in the Chicago area, working at the same job I had during college – now full-time – which felt like a cop-out. My friends were moving away or settling into the suburbs, which I did not get. What’s the point of being a part of the big city community if you never go into the city?

I ventured into a grad school program, not into a field I was drawn to, but one that gained major points with my dad. Surprise! I never finished that program, but I did drift into a several-month-long depression.

I had been living with my parents for a couple months when an old college friend who had moved away called.

Friend: Hey! Hubs got a position in someplace called York, Pennsylvania, and we’re going to be in northern Indiana for the weekend to pack up all our storage stuff. We’re calling all of our friends who still live within a reasonable distance…Want to help?

Me: Well sure! I’d love a weekend away from the house!

I saw this as my way out of a dead-end life that was driving me insane. Not wanting to explain myself to anyone, I simply packed my backpack with enough for about a week, and headed out. My intention was to help them load up the rental truck, and when they hit the road, I’d hit the road, too, going wherever the road took me.

During a day-and-a-half of catching up with someone I hadn’t seen in about 3 years, somehow I ended up explaining my plan. She was mortified at the capriciousness of my decision, but soon realized she wasn’t talking me out of it.

Later that night she suggested that I follow them as far as York.

Friend: If you’re hitting the road anyway, why not come with us? We’d love to have help unpacking in York, and you can stay with us a week or so and see if you like it. If not, move on. If York suits you, we can help you get set up there, too! Neither of us know anyone there, so it’ll be nice to be able to support each other.

That actually sounded reasonable. It wasn’t like I was committing to anything. I agreed.

Within my “one week” in York, I found a full-time job in retail, and decided I might as well stick around a year and save up for the next leg of my life’s adventure.

I got stuck for three years.

All in all, York is not my favorite place on earth, but in those three years I made some solid friends I am still in contact with today, so it must have been alright!

Moral of the Story: You have the power to change your life!

Something's Gotta Change

More like "Everything's Gotta Change"

I’ve lived here longer than I’ve lived anywhere. Obviously I like it, or I wouldn’t have stayed. Usually I move every few years. I’m getting itchy feet. Does that happen to you? And I’m ready for a major move, not within the same region. I did move about 4 years ago, but just locally, a little closer to work and my social life (such as it is). I have two friends out west who I would love to be closer to, both in locations I've never inhabited. (Moving back to a previous home is like re-uniting after a break-up. We broke up. It's done. Move on.) One of these friends is actively trying to get me there, the other simply hinted when I visited that she was showing me how much fun we would have if I lived there. I’m so ready.

The last time I made a big move, the economy was better, and I was young and carefree. I just packed up my car and called from the road to say, “I’ll call ya when I stop”. And I started life anew in a new place. ...looking back, it was surprising how many people thought I was moving because of them, instead of because of something within myself... It all worked out then, but nowadays I’m a little cautious about the whole moving-without-a-job-lined-up thing. …and I have more stuff, so the move won’t be as simple.

But I’m SO dissatisfied right now. Reconnecting with old friends has at least given my social life a little uplift, but I’m dissatisfied with my current domicile, my job, and my church. The homefront may improve as I get into my “organization resolution”, but the house itself is part of the problem. I’ve known for some time that I need to seek a new place of worship, too. That will be hard, because I love the people and have some good friendships there. Not to mention I’m “involved” there. I’m just not being fed spiritually. And my job. Well, it would be great to do something I love, but in the meantime I’m in a dead-end job that I – okay, I like what I do, but I can’t live on the meager salary forever!

So. Change.
We’re heading into the Year of the Dragon, folks! A year for celebrations and big events – lots to do, lots to love, and lots of hard work to maintain any gains made in the year. I’m all for it! Yeeha! Bring it on! …but oh, I could use some help with the little details.

Okay. That’s it.
I hereby harness the energy of the coming dragon (on the 23rd ya’ll). Wait. Two weeks until he arrives? I guess I will just make my plans and watch to see which direction the energy emanates from.

Okay. In this brief interim I will have to keep looking ahead just to keep my head above water, because frankly, I’m floundering.