Reassessing What's Important

I am utterly apathetic these days. 

I don't think it's depression. It was, and sometimes is, but even when the depression fog lifts, I have zero motivation to do anything.

I'm learning two languages. Theoretically. I cancelled both classes last week, and haven't looked at the homework for either one.

I called off the classes because I'm trying to finish the novel I started in Nanowrimo last year. The ending is proving elusive, and I thought that if I gave myself permission to focus just on writing, I could sort it out. I did not. I wrote less on the days of the cancelled classes than on previous days. 

I called my mom the other day. Thought maybe a touch of normalcy would help shake me out of this ... whatever it is. It did not. It was yet another conversation of small talk, peppered with updates on my siblings as much as she knew. (My family does not partake of deep conversation with each other.)

So I'm just here to make sense of my own self.

Learning Mandarin was vital when we lived in China. I still think it's a good idea, and it is helpful with my little online Chinese students. But am I learning simply for vanity? To be able to brag? It will look good on a resume if I ever go back into the normal workforce, but how likely is that?

Learning Vietnamese is a good idea because I live here, but many foreigners don't bother learning it. Two reasons. 1) We are in a touristy area where minimal Vietnamese is needed. Most vendors and businesses that will have dealings with a foreigner have some basic English. 2) Pronunciation is apparently vastly different from north to south, so learning it in one place doesn't mean you'll understand it elsewhere. BUT 1) vendors and business-people appreciate a foreigner who at least tries to speak Vietnamese - even poorly, and 2) We haven't yet traveled away from the central coastal region, so ...

Do I continue with language classes? For both languages?

Before I started teaching online, when I decided that I was a Writer first and foremost, I forced myself to spend time writing. I keep adding hours teaching, which makes it feel like my main job. I mean, being paid NOW is more motivating than working long hours for the potential of payment later, should I ever be published. 

I think I need to cut back on teaching hours, and maybe relax the Mandarin for a bit. I don't know what that looks like time-wise, but at least I have an idea of a potential solution!

Thanks, Blogger. This has been productive.

Easy to Quit

So Easy to Quit.

I started studying Mandarin last fall. I live in Vietnam now. Everyone is surprised that I'm continuing my study of Mandarin after moving out of China, and my response is simply that Mandarin is a good language to know as long as I'm living anywhere in this part of the world. I believe that.

Now that I'm here, it would be so easy to quit.

I see a few shops that have Chinese characters on their outdoor signage so I know there's some Mandarin presence. I don't have any way to practice it daily.

It would be easy to quit.

But I won't. I know so many bits and pieces of other languages, I want to finally become fluent in one. I can count to 10 in 10 languages. I had the Japanese exchange students at my high school teach me an impressive sentence (while my classmates were learning curse words). Often, common sayings pop into my head in German instead of English. But I can't converse in anything but English. I'm getting there with Mandarin.

Quitting is always an easy option, isn't it?

I have no set "job", although I am still doing bits of work for people I worked for/with in Beijing. My business idea is just that. I am learning/deciding how to set it up, and trying to find information on business laws here. I want to do it properly from the get-go, and that will take time. I know that, for a professional business with a professional webpage, business cards, etc., there will be a capital outlay, and we don't have that yet.

Knowing this, when we planned this move, Brett based our financial expectations on his expected income. He started working this week, but won't see a paycheck until next month. He did not figure any income from me into the plans, because we don't know when or how much that will be.

He believes that we will be able to live comfortably on his income.
I don't need to work. I don't need to start a business of any kind.

It would be so easy to quit.

But I won't. Not only am I not used to not working, I believe what I have to offer has serious value in my new home city! I have certain skills and abilities that I need to exercise. If I fail, I fail, but I won't quit.

I'm curious to hear of your almost-quitting stories. Have you ever been tempted to quit something, but stuck it out to a positive result? Have you stuck it out, but realized you should have quit while you were ahead?