Empty Words, Broken Heart

I have no words for what's happening in the US right now. But I want to say something.

What happened to George Floyd breaks my heart.
And all the other, similar events.
 
But my words seem useless. What can I do?
I feel powerless.

I feel like anything I say will sound empty. I can't sleep at night for the wheels turning in my head trying to work out how to say ANYthing that doesn't sound like White Privilege apologizing for itself.

How do things like this happen?

What world do we live in where anyone - any living human, law enforcement or not - finds it legitimate to kneel on an unarmed, restrained man until that man is dead? A 20 dollar bill? Really?

But I live on the far side of the planet. Continents away from the protests, from all of the hate crimes, the police brutality, the racism. 

 

Living in Asia I occasionally feel racism against me, but it's nothing by comparison. Nothing. A bias, a sneer, a degrading look, perhaps hurtful words on social media. Nothing like violence, partly because I live in a generally non-violent country, but partly because of white privilege.

Because living in China and Vietnam, although some people dislike all of us foreigners for living here while belonging to a different country, many of those people will still treat me better than they do my darker-skinned fellow expats. And I don't know what to do about it.

My heart hurts for the world. My heart hurts for America. My heart already was hurting for my own losses. 

My words may be useless, but they are all I have.

Descent Into Madness #AtoZChallenge

Hours after posting about how well I'm coping, I'm beginning to feel the insanity.

I'm sitting at home - as one does, these days - working on editing my draft from Nanowrimo, which I had postponed after my sister decided to drop dead in January and I took February off. One month. Out of commission. No contact, not much activity at all, least of all editing! 

That was by choice. No inkling that I'd be forced into it later.

In March I was slowly getting into editing again, doing a little more all the time, until I finally worked out a schedule to allow steady progress in my Magnum Opus (one can hope). 

All that is to set the scene for you: 

This Covid19 Social Distancing, self-isolation, stay at home, non-essential businesses closed stuff really blows. Today I'm feeling it more than ever.

I want my coconut coffee. I saw a sign at a coffee shop when we ran out for groceries earlier that said "take away only" but we didn't stop because we had frozen foods. At least some places are open for coffee to-go. But I am really trying to be responsible. I am staying inside except for necessities. 

I want to go somewhere. 
I do my best writing, get my best ideas, when I can take my notebook to a restaurant or cafe - without the distractions of home - and just. Write. It's a successful tactic for me.

I can't. I mean, I will, but I can't.
A week or two before Vietnam officially declared restaurants closed except for delivery, I had gone out one evening, sat in a corner table at a local restaurant - because, truthfully, we locals are doing our best to help these places stay afloat without tourists - and I drank beer and wrote pages and pages. I was the only one there at first; then a trio of guys came in and sat on the far side of the restaurant. When the 4th table was being filled and I thought it was too close to me, I paid up and left. 

I can't do that anymore. 

I love my house. I love my tiny garden. I love the breeze that blows through our tropical home, aided by fans most days.

But I need variety. I crave variety. 
I have never been one for same-old, same-old. 
I am slowly Descending into madness.

I am safe from Covid19, and doing my part to keep everyone else in the world safe, too.
But. I am Descending into madness.

I guess the good news is that I won't be alone? What are your tactics for staying sane? Any ideas to create variety without going anywhere?

Warp Speed Ahead!

Why do I always do this to myself? I overbook myself, overcommit, run myself into the ground with no solitude for weeks, get sick of people, really annoyed, and in the sense of relief when my commitments are finished, I learn to say NO to requests for my time and energy.

That lasts a few weeks.

Then I find myself bored, or at least seeking something engaging to occupy my time, and I do it all over again. Instead of picking one thing and saying, “Yes, I’ll participate in this endeavor” and then saying no to the rest of it, I say “yes, I’ll participate in this…and this, and this…and oh you needed someone to help you with that? Sure! I’m game!”

Probably more information than anyone needs to know about me, but currently I am:

1. Working two jobs (ostensibly, but not many hours at the 2^nd because of…)
2. In a play, running through Feb. 19
3. Assistant-Directing a play which will open on March 23
4. Working on my Masters’ Thesis
5. Preparing for a community music concert that will be on Feb. 18
6. Somehow roped into chaperoning a youth lock-in at my church,  that I did NOT think would be happening this year, but is suddenly on the books for March 9-10.

Okay, so I chose both plays. I was blessed with a minor role in the one I’m acting in, which lessened my rehearsal time. That is vital because as A.D. of the other, I should really be there for all the rehearsals after this current show closes.

Okay, so due to the overlapping play schedules, I know that my thesis is on a shelf for the time being, which is frustrating but acceptable.

And okay, I understand it is pure coincidence that the three churches decided to combine and offer a concert RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE of my theatre insanity, so fine, whatever.

BUT…

I’m really annoyed about being roped into this lock-in. Don’t get me wrong, I love the youth at my church, but after this same event ended last year the idea slid away and nobody mentioned it until recently. We have a new youth leader, who of course was recommended to ask me about it, and naturally I am ASSUMED to be co-chaperone! I DON’T WANT TO DO IT! Not because it wasn’t very cool and interesting last year, but because I’ve been drafted. How perverse is that? The kids love me (after all, I’m nothing but an overgrown 15yo), and I flatter myself that I’m good with them. When they brought it up again, the new kids were checking to see if I was doing it with them, if they sign up for it. But the sheer audacity of people (adults) who were unsupportive last year and who didn’t lift a finger to help me put it together, to now take it for granted that I’d be there! Never mind that for the earlier retreats this year I wasn’t even consulted or asked to chaperone. They want me when they want me, and they want me now.

...

Sorry for the vent…I didn’t know I had it in me!

What would you do? Participate, knowing that it’s a good thing, and the problem is really just the way it all came about? Would you explain the annoyance and bail? Would you make an excuse and bail? Truthfully, with all my other events chaos, I don’t know that losing a night’s sleep is a good idea…hmm…