X is for Exes

Today's "Life Wisdom" is more of a question about something I have never understood.

When you break up with somebody, why do you then get back together with your Ex?

I'm not talking about the cases where "I need to take a break to think about this." Sometimes an earth - and relationship - shattering revelation can really make one person in a relationship step back to re-assess before determining to continue or discontinue the relationship. I get that. But after the actual break-up, why the reunion?

For me, if I broke off a relationship, it was because I realized that it was going nowhere.
Do some people just break up on a whim? I'm mad, so everything we've built is bad?

I don't get it.

One time, I broke it off and heard, "but I want to be with SOMEbody!" This guy wasn't questioning that we weren't a good match; he just didn't want to be alone. Is that it? He was honestly hurt when I said there wasn't someone else. "So you'd rather be alone than with me?" like that was a personal insult.

I don't get it.
I really hope that guy found someone truly suitable for him.

Yes, I would rather be alone than be with someone who is not a good fit with my personality and life choices. Another question, why do so many people not get that? Why?

I really hope some of you can help illuminate this issue for me. Exes are exes for a reason.


(If you're visiting from A to Z, please include the name of your blog as it is on the Master List so I can return the favor!)

Never Settle!

Are you playing the dating game? 
Do your friends tell you that you're too picky?
Maybe this "okay" guy/girl is "good enough"?

I was single for a very long time. I know something about this. Do NOT settle for less than you are worth. 

Ladies first: If you date a guy who bosses you around or tries to control what you are doing - watch out for that. Avoid it. Break it off with him at the first sign. It will not change.

Guys: Please do us all the favor of finding the right person, instead of taking the relationship to the next level "because it's that time." Breaks up are hard, but better than a lifetime of complaining! 

Guys and Girls: Does your date talk down to you? Do you always feel judged? Get out now. The pompous jerk/witch isn't worth your time and energy. YOU matter. You are valid. You deserve respect.

If you prefer playing the field and are not at a point of looking for any serious, long-term commitment, this may sound like it doesn't apply, but I still caution you to beware. If not, next thing you know, you have accidentally slid into a steady relationship with someone you don't really want to be with! So watch out.

If you are getting serious with someone, then any time you find yourself annoyed with him or her, consider if you can live with whatever it was that triggered the annoyance - FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! For me, chewing with his mouth open is a deal breaker. I could never cope with that habit forever. It sounds petty, but when you see someone all the time, a repeated minor annoyance can become major. And don't plan on bad habits changing. I mean, they might, but don't bank your happiness on the hope that they will!

I've known many - MANY - women who tend to be attracted to men who "need fixing". I've seen it so very, very, very, very often. "He'd be perfect if he wouldn't..." "If only he would ... this would be a great relationship." Stop it! You cannot change anyone except yourself, and the sooner you recognize this, the happier you will be.

(If you're visiting from A to Z, please include the name of your blog as it is on the Master List so I can return the favor!)

Games. Don't Play Them.

I'm talking about mind games, people.

Women bear the brunt of this bad rap, but I'll be calling out some of you guys, too.

Why fake who you are at the beginning of a relationship? I just. Don't. Get it. If playing a game gets you into a relationship with your object of desire, but then you realize you didn't desire that person, but some phony aspect they were projecting, you just wasted your time! I don't. Get it.

Now, I'm a huge nerd. A Star Wars loving, Monty Python quoting, well-read, drama and band geek. I'm collosally awkward in group social situations. I don't fly my freak flag super high, but anyone who gets into an extended conversation with me will see it. It's a lot to scare off the average dude.

But I never learned how to play mind games. Let me give you some examples. 

1. Working in retail in my 20s, a coworker who I admittedly thought was very cute and nice (although about 10 years younger than I) became a good friend. At work. Not someone to hang out with, although we occasionally rode together. One time I responded to him with a Star Wars quote (or something equally nerdy) and he just shook his head and muttered, "Why do you have to be like that?" and in that instance I realized that he couldn't get beyond my nerdiness. I was in the friend zone for good. I was okay with that, because I was just being myself.
2. 
   During grad school, there was one guy I pseudo-regularly dated. After a few dates, I realized he agreed with EVERY opinion I presented. That's impossible. Impossible. No two people on this planet could honestly agree 100% on everything, but I grew up outside the US, and I often have a somewhat foreign view of things. I don't play games, so if asked, I will be totally straight, or conveniently change the subject. No way this guy agreed every time. So I asked him an open-ended question, listened for his response, and then deliberately took the opposite view and watched him flip like a pancake. We didn't last. I don't want to be with a yes-man.
3. 
   Another co-worker, equally into Star Wars, but way more superficial regarding girls he dated, completely discounted our ease of conversation. One time, he made a Star Wars reference and I answered wrong. I had no context; it wasn't a direct quote and I had no clue what he was talking about. I watched his face fall at my incorrect response, and knew I blew it. I mean, it's okay, I was on the fence about him. All we had in common was Star Wars.

My point is, BE YOURSELF! I saved myself time and agony by weeding these guys out, just by being myself. They did the same, by being true to themselves. I could write a book.

Now, when I started dating my husband, I told him I don't celebrate my birthday. Which was to take place after we'd been dating only a couple months. His friends told him he should buy me a gift anyway "because women always say things like that". He didn't listen to them, because HE doesn't play games, and hoped I didn't. He was right. I don't play games. I was delighted that he hadn't even bought a safety gift "in case". 

Do yourself a favor, ladies. AND guys. Don't play games.

(If you're visiting from A to Z, please include the name of your blog as it is on the Master List so I can return the favor!)