Empty Words, Broken Heart

I have no words for what's happening in the US right now. But I want to say something.

What happened to George Floyd breaks my heart.
And all the other, similar events.
 
But my words seem useless. What can I do?
I feel powerless.

I feel like anything I say will sound empty. I can't sleep at night for the wheels turning in my head trying to work out how to say ANYthing that doesn't sound like White Privilege apologizing for itself.

How do things like this happen?

What world do we live in where anyone - any living human, law enforcement or not - finds it legitimate to kneel on an unarmed, restrained man until that man is dead? A 20 dollar bill? Really?

But I live on the far side of the planet. Continents away from the protests, from all of the hate crimes, the police brutality, the racism. 

 

Living in Asia I occasionally feel racism against me, but it's nothing by comparison. Nothing. A bias, a sneer, a degrading look, perhaps hurtful words on social media. Nothing like violence, partly because I live in a generally non-violent country, but partly because of white privilege.

Because living in China and Vietnam, although some people dislike all of us foreigners for living here while belonging to a different country, many of those people will still treat me better than they do my darker-skinned fellow expats. And I don't know what to do about it.

My heart hurts for the world. My heart hurts for America. My heart already was hurting for my own losses. 

My words may be useless, but they are all I have.

The World is Hurting

I have no words, only question marks.

Gun Control - IS There an Answer?

Yoiks. I hate this subject.

It's all over my Facebook page, both sides. It's all over the news.

This is what America is reduced to this year: Arguing over "solving" an issue that perhaps is unsolvable.

Oops. How terribly un-PC of me to say that.

First off, I probably wouldn't even discuss it, but I've found a very open-minded, both-sides telling, non-judgmental columnist to read in the Indianapolis Star. Here is a link to Erika D. Smith's writings, so you can judge for yourself. (I don't know her, am not advertising for her, I just love her and follow her on twitter.)

She recently wrote about the gun argument. A non-gun-owner, and not a fan of guns in general, she tried them out, talked to people she knows, in order to better understand where the other side is coming from.

Imagine.

She didn't just lambaste everyone with an opposing view, call them all idiots, and discard their opinion. She looked into it.

But moving on...

It's easy to say "look at the gun laws of [XYZ country] - they seem to work" but should we just repeat what another country is doing? That's a bit like looking at the way other parents do their job and saying "it works for them - it'll work for us" when every child is different. We are a different country, with different issues and attitudes, good or bad.

No, let's not copy another country's laws.

Stop me if I've told you this, but when I was a kid, going to school in India, one year we were getting ready to come back to the States for a year on furlough. We were going to live in Chicago so my Dad could study at the University of Chicago. All my friends in India signed my yearbook that year with messages urging me "Don't get raped or mugged in Chicago!" "Don't forget to lock your door!" "Don't go out alone in those mean city streets!"

The Irony? The previous three years were full of terrorist attacks in my home country of Sri Lanka, and related demonstrations outside my school in India, and all our friends in the States continually wrote concerned letters asking how we were faring through all the violence, and urging us to be careful, that they knew we would be, that they were praying for us, to get in touch and let them know we were okay...

It's the same! The brand of violence may differ, but it's everywhere.

Anyway, I avoid the subject, as Brett can confirm. Nobody can keep their calm when they discuss gun control, and it really brings me down. I guess that's why I decided to write this. It's not funny, or even fun, but I can say my piece here. (sorry for the un-funny)

I have no answer. No one has an answer, but everyone likes to think there is one, that we can somehow control violent behavior when we can't.

...Or can we? What do you think? Really.

What is This World Coming To?

The world awoke yesterday to the shocking news that a random gunman took out his angst on a crowd of movie-goers. My godmother lives in that town. (I assume she's not the kind to go to a midnight release of ANY movie, Batman least of all.) Sadly, my deep, dark, know-it-all cynic wasn't shocked.


Hm...okay, yeah, the thought that it happened? That gave me a "who DOES that?" eyebrow-raise. But when the girl they interviewed said, "He was wearing a gas-mask. He was totally covered up, so you couldn't tell his race or anything," I said, "White, nerd-boy." Sure enough, when the picture and description came on, I had him pegged.
Quiet. Check.
Kept to himself. Check.
Hardly seen in his own neighborhood. Sould like someone who spends too much time online or gaming? Check.


...I am a nerd. I recognize the type. Who else would target Batman, of all things?Am I disturbed? Yes. In the way that I have an icky taste in my mouth for the direction society is going. And it's no better anywhere else.


Central America: Drug cartel violence.
Middle East: Religious persecution and radical violence.
China (and other East Asian countries): Repression of all sorts.
Africa: Guerrila warfare.
Everywhere: Import/export of sex slaves.


Broad generalizations? Sure. But I mean it. As soon as I thought "I'm ready to get out of this uber-violent, screwed-up-in-so-many-ways country," I realized the lack of alternatives. There's trouble everywhere, and it's been that way for a long time.


Decades ago, when our family was returning to the States from Sri Lanka on furlough, all my friends from school were so worried about me coming to the violence of Chicago. And yet, for the 4 previous years, we received endless letters from Stateside friends and family expressing their concern for our well-being in the violent political upheaval of Sri Lanka! There is violence everywhere. No society is better at eradicating it, no religion is better at preaching peace (believe me, they all preach it, but the extremists of any religion breach it).


I guess this kind of thing has the deep shock value of being apparently totally random (or totally personal, if they find that like the Columbine kids this guy was just mad that he had no friends).


Religious attacks are their own kind of stupid, but there is a - MISGUIDED - ideology behind it. Identifying that seems to unify both the attacker and the attacked. But this one guy, James Holmes? ...the heck?


On September 11, 2001.
Was I shocked? Yes.
Did I cry? Yes.
And then some idiot came on TV and asked how it could happen... "How did they get through our security?" and I laughed a bitter, know-it-all laugh. Security? In the States? Hah!


Understand, by 2001 I had traveled around the world multiple times and gone through airport customs routines in all kinds of places, from small airports in India to major international hubs across Asia and Europe, and including the gamut of U.S. airports. Trust me. Before that sunny fall day in 2001, U.S. airport security was...negligible.


That's just to say, I guess I'm a bit jaded. I don't understand what makes an individual do something like that, but it no longer shocks me. It's just news. Even though I have a connection to the town in the form of family.
It's just. News.


Just random people I will never meet, in a community I haven't seen since I was a kid.
Just another random act of incomprehensible violence. Ho-hum.


My routine won't change. The Movie Whore in me won't second-guess going to the movies because of this. ...I'll probably wait for the DVD of this one, but that's just because I don't like the direction Christopher Nolan is taking my favorite superhero, not because there are crazy people on the loose.


What about you? Were you actually surprised? Am I alone here in just sitting and shaking my head in bewilderment about the stupidity of this, but not weeping over the loss of life? Not being surprised it could happen?


I tell you what will not surprise me. What will not surprise me is when we find out that James Holmes, in fact, spent more time online than in real life. That he had more "facebook friends" than real life friends. That his life revolved around himself. We already know he was not a visible presence in his community, so I won't be surprised to find he was not involved in any community organizations.


We need to connect. I love my blog, but have never used it as a substitute for interpersonal interaction. I enjoy facebook, but only as a way to keep up with actual people who I actually know. Get out there, people! Close facebook for a day or two and interact. Walk through your town and actually greet people with a smile. Make someone's day.


Let's show the world that the James Holmes' of this world can't bring us down.