More Foreboding - surprise!

I'm not saying this for sympathy.
I'm not saying this in ANY WAY relating to my opinion on current events.
I'm saying this because my head and heart are flooded and it's better out than in.

I keep waffling on whether to write or not write. Few people in any of my social platforms seem to be saying things not related to #BlackLivesMatter. Which they do. Black Lives DO Matter, and I've never understood the arguments against that. But this isn't that.

...I have seen one friend who regularly - weekly? maybe? - shares Covid statistics for her county.

So if something isn't Covid or racism related, it's not likely out there.

Oh... one high school friend is in limbo waiting for a liver transplant. There's that.

Everyone has their stuff and I am not in any way ignorant of that, but I have to put my words out into the ether because they are poisoning my life.

Yesterday was the 31st anniversary of the Tian-An-Men massacre. I was in Taiwan when that happened, and helped volunteers airlift Taiwanese news articles about it, to send information across the Taiwan Straits into China where there was a news blackout. The subject brings me to tears. The People's Republic of China still denies that it happened.

Yesterday was the annual peaceful protest / vigil in Hong Kong. PROC has taken over Hong Kong while the rest of the world is focused on Covid. They tried to stop it. It still happened. 

Violence and protest is everywhere.

Also, earlier this week was the birthday of my nephew who took his own life in September. (Did I mention that in an earlier post? Sorry if I'm repeating myself.) My brother's family is reliving his death daily.

Also! I had a message from my mom last night that my OTHER brother - not the father of the deceased nephew - has been called up into a riot area. He's National Guard now. We don't know where.

Oh, yeah, and my dad is 80, my mom turns 80 this year, and Dad's been in renal failure for a few years (he's stable). Recently their gym has reopened so they are going back to fitness classes. I mean, great for them, and I'm proud they are taking care of themselves - I honestly don't know how safe their state is or their town or their facilities. But through all this they are the primary guardians of my military brother's two young daughters. Dear God, Please keep them all safe!

It's a crap shoot guessing which of my family members will die next. I thought, after my sister's funeral just before the new Lunar Year, that I'd have a good year free from more death. I'm beginning to rethink that guess.

We all die. 
It doesn't truly matter. 
I couldn't go to the funeral anyway!
It just weighs on me.

Life is Too Much

I can't anymore. 
I can't feel more than I already feel.
It's too much.

I spent a lot of words trying to make sense of my nephew's suicide.
Then I spent more words than I had access to, processing my sister's sudden death.

Covid hit. I used up as many words as I had trying to get friends and family in the US to understand that the pandemic is, in fact, real. It has, in fact, deeply effected countries around the world. It is ...
Never mind. I gave up on that fight. Ya'll are on your own.

Next came all the racist horrors that are igniting conversation. YAY! Finally, someone started saying, "Yes, I have white privilege. No, I don't agree with these racist actions. What can I do?" And finally, people are answering. Finally, people are coming together and helping each other. I found words enough for a blog post. I spoke as much as I feel might help. Not much, but hopefully people know I disagree with the brutal murder of an un-armed, restrained black man. I can't say a lot.

Then I started seeing on every social media: "Watch for the ones who are silent." Implying that silence = complicity. In some cases, it does. In some cases, we are simply exhausted! I can't feel anymore! I can't say any more. I just can't! I'm not sleeping because people thousands of miles away - people I do not know - are facing systemic injustice.

Ostracize people for silence about racism? Screw you. How about TALK to people who are silent and find out WHY they are silent. Then... choose your actions.

Yesterday was the birthday of my nephew who killed himself last fall. I have personal shit going on that nationwide riots will not change. So shut up. Shut up about thinking your issue is the only issue.  

I say this about everyone who pushes their issue and brooks no argument that their issue may not be foremost in the minds of every single other person. There are a lot of issues. Going 100% at every single issue that one feels for will KILL a person!

There is also a lot of personal pain. The fact that a person cannot give 100% to your issue when they are fighting other things at the same time... Please look at my few tweets and my blog post, and understand I have not, and will not, perpetuate the problem. But I cannot spend any more energy fighting a vast problem when I'm grieving and now on the brink of a depression of my own.

Watch for the ones who are silent.

HELP those of us who are silent!!!!

P.S. In a few days, we'll start seeing a spike in Covid cases in the US. Yippee. Yay for jeopardizing those fighting one issue in the name of fighting another issue. Which do I choose? I want to feel for both! I want to speak about both!
I can't.

I can't care.  
I'm dying from the inside out.

Ask me any questions you want, but don't judge until you hear me.

THIS moment

My heart hurts. For no reason.
It's not home-sickness. It may be the cumulative effect of being in limbo for so long and still not having any clue how this situation will resolve itself. Or it may just be the depression I've been fending off finally settling in.

[By "situation" I am referring to the fact of living in Beijing without a clear-cut job situation, and working whatever we can, as we can, while paying bills in two countries, and searching for better employment opportunities. It takes its toll.]

I look out our windows at this busy, crowded, smoggy, crazy city and smile thinking, "I love our town. This is home," but I'm not happy. I walk down to my produce vendor and smile and greet her, and love the produce I get, but I'm not happy.

I love my husband, but we've been basically home almost every day together for weeks, and it's taking it's toll. I'm not happy.

Today, my heart hurts. I want to stay home and curl up under a table and do nothing, but that doesn't help. Nothing does.

I could try to eat away the pain, but that wouldn't help - it would just add a stomach-ache to the heart-ache.

I could try to drink away the pain, but that wouldn't help and I'd feel awful when I woke up.

I'm trying to focus on the moments. THIS moment - I am writing. THIS moment my stomach is full. THIS moment I am sheltered from the pollution by staying in my home. THIS moment I have completed a load of laundry and hung it to dry. THIS moment I chuckled at my husband's silly dance while singing "happy birthday" to his daughter.

In THIS moment, I am fine. In THIS moment, heart-ache doesn't matter. Maybe if I can string together enough "THIS moments", my heart will begin to feel better on its own.