I can't anymore.
I can't feel more than I already feel.
It's too much.
I spent a lot of words trying to make sense of my nephew's suicide.
Then I spent more words than I had access to, processing my sister's sudden death.
Covid hit. I used up as many words as I had trying to get friends and family in the US to understand that the pandemic is, in fact, real. It has, in fact, deeply effected countries around the world. It is ...
Never mind. I gave up on that fight. Ya'll are on your own.
Next came all the racist horrors that are igniting conversation. YAY! Finally, someone started saying, "Yes, I have white privilege. No, I don't agree with these racist actions. What can I do?" And finally, people are answering. Finally, people are coming together and helping each other. I found words enough for a blog post. I spoke as much as I feel might help. Not much, but hopefully people know I disagree with the brutal murder of an un-armed, restrained black man. I can't say a lot.
Then I started seeing on every social media: "Watch for the ones who are silent." Implying that silence = complicity. In some cases, it does. In some cases, we are simply exhausted! I can't feel anymore! I can't say any more. I just can't! I'm not sleeping because people thousands of miles away - people I do not know - are facing systemic injustice.
Ostracize people for silence about racism? Screw you. How about TALK to people who are silent and find out WHY they are silent. Then... choose your actions.
Yesterday was the birthday of my nephew who killed himself last fall. I have personal shit going on that nationwide riots will not change. So shut up. Shut up about thinking your issue is the only issue.
I say this about everyone who pushes their issue and brooks no argument that their issue may not be foremost in the minds of every single other person. There are a lot of issues. Going 100% at every single issue that one feels for will KILL a person!
There is also a lot of personal pain. The fact that a person cannot give 100% to your issue when they are fighting other things at the same time... Please look at my few tweets and my blog post, and understand I have not, and will not, perpetuate the problem. But I cannot spend any more energy fighting a vast problem when I'm grieving and now on the brink of a depression of my own.
Watch for the ones who are silent.
HELP those of us who are silent!!!!
P.S. In a few days, we'll start seeing a spike in Covid cases in the US. Yippee. Yay for jeopardizing those fighting one issue in the name of fighting another issue. Which do I choose? I want to feel for both! I want to speak about both!
I can't care.
I'm dying from the inside out.
Ask me any questions you want, but don't judge until you hear me.