I Think I'm High

(shh…middle of workday…)

So I just went to the storage room to get more copy paper, and something smells GREAT! I mean great in the “getting high from paint” – or markers, or white-out – sense. I looked around to see what it was. Someone must have recently cleaned, but it wasn’t cleaning fluid.

New rubber gloves?

This other plastic-y thing that we keep gazillions of?

Was it some lubricant the elevator guy used? He was just here and the elevator room is right across from the storage room.

Did we just get more freshly printed forms or brochures?

I inhaled deeply a few times, trying to identify the smell.

No idea what caused it, but I think I’m high.

…and I’ve been so careful to print those 42-million handouts I’ve been working on in small batches so as not to get high from the copier toner!

(Perhaps I should add the disclaimer that I’ve never done illegal drugs of any kind - not for lack of opportunity, and all appearances to the contrary. Not necessarily because they are illegal, although I’d be the one to get in trouble so it’s always good for me to stay on the legal side, but because I have realized that something in my brain makes me feel addicted rather quickly. I’ve always thought I was just weak-willed, but NPR did a story on this phenomenon recently: It’s a real thing! For anyone in doubt, just read my post about Angry Birds and you will believe!) (I guess you could look up the NPR story for actual facts, too.)

sidebar:

Since I am committed to providing everyone with a reason to celebrate, the obvious reason to celebrate today: Fat Tuesday!...I think when I get home I’d better have a few hefty drinks, just to celebrate…and because I’m halfway there anyway!

Star Trek: 2013 ...wait, WHAT!?!

I was just sure that the next Star Trek movie was coming out in 2012. Just Sure.

You know, the sequel to the 2009 movie with Chris Pine as Kirk and Karl Urban as a PERFECT Bones (fave line: "I got no place else to go. My ex-wife took the whole damn planet in the divorce. All I've got left are my bones.") I’ve been waiting, J.J. Abrams!

It suddenly occurred to me after watching Star Wars 3D recently that I’ve not yet seen a trailer for Star Trek. Hmm…so I went to imdb to check it out…2013!!! 2013 for the as yet untitled next Star Trek movie. Oh, the torture.

You mock me, J.J. Abrams!

You set us up with this really good cast and interesting new twist on the whole history of the characters, not to mention your visually striking production style, and make us wait FOUR YEARS? Nothing like anticipation, huh?

Now I don’t look up movies in advance. I just don’t follow them. I can barely remember whether I was interested in a movie’s trailer by the time the movie’s actually released, and I wouldn’t want to ruin it by reading it online before I see it.

I did not read a synopsis of the new Star Trek on imdb – didn’t even notice if there’s one listed, frankly – BUT, I am excited to see they are adding Benedict Cumberbatch to the cast! (THE best name in all of show business by the way. …and if I had a parrot, I would  name it Benedict Cumberbatch, clearly.) He’s not a household name yet, and I had to blow up the thumbnail of him to see why the name rang a bell. They didn’t list it in his credits, but the first time *I* saw him was as Sherlock Holmes in the new 2010 BBC Sherlock Holmes series. It was awesome – he’s great. Then I saw him in Tinker Tailor. He played the young guy doing all the running around for Gary Oldman’s character.

His Star Trek character was not named, but I’m thinking Klingon. He’d be a good Klingon.

So yea! Something to look forward to. …FOR A YEAR. Grr…

On a totally unrelated note, I heard an interview with William Shatner on NPR the other day, and the interviewer (I forget who it was) asked if he spoke Klingon. The answer: Yes, fluently. Which in Shatner’s words means “I spit a lot when I speak it.” Heh. Did you know Shatner has a one-man show on Broadway right now? I'm skeptical. I don't trust one-man-shows. Kind of ego-centric, and where's the fun of the banter with other characters?

ANYhoo...

I think I have to get me some other Star Trek movies. Like Wrath of Kahn. I don't remember all the details of all the movies, but I do know that the first is kind of lame, and Wrath of Kahn is AWE and then Some. If I don't stock up now, how will I make it through this whole next stinkin' year?

J.J. Abrams, you have just ruined 2012. Thanks.

To "Gift" or to Give?

For today's Monday morning rant, I just want to throw this out into cyberspace, and see what kind of controversy I can stir up.

Is it me, or have you also heard professionals using the term "gifting". (or, you know, pick your conjugation of choice.)

Hint: It's a NOUN, not a verb, people!

Now, I'm the first to argue that English is a living language and therefore a changing one. I'm not afraid to end a sentence with a preposition if that's the most concise way to say it. But "gift" as a verb drives. me. up. the. wall.

THIS is a gift:

If you do this well:

...or maybe, this...

That is a gift, too. Also, you might be considered "gifted", but "gifted" is still not a verb in that sense!

But the act of doing this:

is not (or, should not be, IMHO) "gifting"!

UGH. Sets my teeth on edge.

You can give a gift.

You can present someone with a gift.

You can offer a gift.

Somehow the new, verb form conveys to me images of whatever gift is being "gifted" being thrown at a person. Launched, like from a catapult. My pastor loves to pray, "Lord, you 'gift' us with a new day..." and it feels like a medicine ball to the gut. "You gift us...OOF!" ...Or maybe more like a piano landing on Roger Rabbit. Great. Thanks for smashing me by "gifting" me!

Also, it's one-sided. To give a gift means someone else receives or rejects the gift. "Gift"ing doesn't imply that option.

I'm sure I'm not alone, but what am I missing here? What other overused terminologies are offensive in your world? Also, if you believe "gifting" is an improvement on the old "giving", please, convince me!

*all photos came from Bing Images*

Really, a Very Sweet Story! (a heart-warmer, in case you need one)

This is my favorite story of my parents’, I think.

…and after 47 years, they have a lot of them!

Background:

My mom is musical. That was actually on my dad’s “list” of traits he was seeking in a future spouse. My dad enjoys music, but doesn’t play anything, and only sings in church. But he knows music well from the physics standpoint and has taken to refurbishing old pump-organs in his retirement. Also important to the story: to Dad, a pipe organ is the Holy of Holies.

There has always been a piano in our family house. When I was little, it was a baby grand. …and a harpsichord, actually. When we moved overseas, we got an upright. They moved back State-side and ended up with my grandma’s old spinet in their new house, which had no room for a larger one. When retirement came up, Dad bought Mom a new baby grand. Again, he doesn’t play, but has the ear to know there’s a difference, and anyone who has sat down at a grand and an upright can feel the difference in the action of the keys. What is an extravagant gift to most people just made sense to Dad.

The story:

They chose where they wanted to spend retirement, and had a house built to specs meant to last them the rest of their days, including a “Great Room”. What’s so great about it? Well, planning for every eventuality of aging, if one of them becomes an invalid or if hospice becomes involved, a bed could be wheeled into the Great Room and that person could still take part in family festivities.

When they moved in, Mom chose a corner of the Great Room for the piano and Dad said, “That’s great! Then we can put a pipe organ on the other side of that window!”

This is the piano in question. (you can see, the house isn't 100% complete yet in this picture...

the hole in the wall for the vent, the boxes, the large frame on the floor leaning against the wall.)

Mom, knowing better than to assume either humor or seriousness, defended her territory with “We are NOT having a pipe organ in the great room! If we ever got a pipe organ, it would have to go into a room downstairs.” (Their house is on a hill, and the main floor is actually the “upstairs”. Downstairs opens onto a patio slightly down-slope.)

Mom never for a moment thought that Dad was genuinely considering a pipe organ.

(This first part of the story I got from Mom well after the rest of the story happened.)

The Rest of the story:

Dad is all connected-up in the pipe organ world. (Ha! You didn’t know there was such a thing, did you?) When a smallish, “affordable” one came available, guess who bought it! Some of the bigger pipes had to be altered (a bend put in at the top) to fit in the low-ceilinged downstairs, but the whole organ – keyboard, pedals, bench and pipes – fits in one of the small downstairs rooms with no windows, that was just being used for storage.

Now, in my parents’ world, this gift of a pipe-organ is the equivalent of a gift of lingerie in the real world: The gift is given to a woman, who uses it, but the man gets to enjoy it, too!

My mom does use it. She’s one of the organists at their church, and it is genuinely convenient for her to not have to drive down the hill and into town to practice. (who'da thunk a pipe organ was a "convenience"!) Also, she has two organ students now. ...And, although she grumbles that “the kids will never be able to sell this house when we’re gone – not with a pipe organ in the basement” she also plays for fun.

My dad’s side of the story is that the day the installation was complete, he was out in the yard and suddenly “Phantom of the Opera!” (his words). I’m quite sure he’s never heard Andrew Lloyd Webber’s musical, and I don’t think he’s seen the other, older versions; however I know Mom does a mean Cantata and Fugue in D Minor by Bach – I think that’s the title, you know, the one in Fantasia? – So I’m guessing that’s what he heard. Either way, this has been the gift that keeps giving, to them both.

…and to me! I just love this! I love that Mom was totally blind-sided, but couldn’t really complain because a) it was a gift and b) she had given tacit approval by saying where she would prefer to have a pipe organ! *headslap* I love the uniqueness of having parents with a pipe organ in the house. It’s just so weird! It’s perfect. Perfectly weird… for two relatively normal people such as they are.

Have you ever given or received an extravagant gift out of the blue?

Annoyance and Redemption!! - with a smile!

This is “that” day. You know the one: Random annoyances happening that don’t really ruin your day, but seethe just below the surface and make you wish you’d followed your instinct to stay home? I started two different posts, and each ended up in a rant. Not fun. To sum them up, 1) steps are being taken against the office stalker (I can’t claim him to be solely “my” stalker since he creeps out every female in the building.) and 2) I was ranting about Valentine’s day, because although the day is past, I can’t avoid it online.(grr) But I want to end the madness, not continue it, so that’s a no-go subject.

…It's not entirely inconceivable that it could be PMS.

Then I visited the blog of my new internet-fiance (I guess? E-fiance? Blog-fiance?) Future (possibly pretend) spouse? at the Transformed Non-Conformist, and suddenly I have something to write about!

First, he included me as a link in today’s post, and my most recent post was a bit of a cop-out/experiment, not my best example, so I better post something else, quick.

Second, this whole situation is just too weird! He’s right. We’ve never met, and who knows if we ever will. But it’s kind of a fun idea to have an unknown person all signed on for commitment, internet-wise or whatever. Kind of like an out-of-body experience (especially if he really knew me).

Here’s the Twilight Zone-iness: Part of my job, until recently, has involved dealing with folks planning to get married. I’ve seen it all, from the gooey-eyes to the cancellation in tears, from the extreme expectations of a grand day, to the 25 people and a priest. I have this dread that people who are overly concerned about the wedding day are expending their time, money and energy in the wrong direction when they should be saving that energy for the actual marriage. Because another thing this relationship guru (from afar, folks, from afar) has observed is that relationships are work! Why put so much pressure on one day?

So I long ago started informing my coworkers that if I ever did decide to take the plunge, they wouldn’t know anything about it until one day I turned up married.

Re-read that, in case you missed the connection...

Get it???

Lo and behold, I’m internet-engaged and nobody who actually knows me knows anything about it! And bonus: I’ve never even met the guy! It’s all out here in the blogosphere. Just you, my online homies, are in on it. Teehee. Doesn’t it feel good to be in on a giant secret? It’s awesome!

P.S. Brett, I am enjoying every minute of this. I’ll see you on January 1^st. …and by the way, the irony of proposing to The. MOST. anti-Valentine’s Day person on the planet on Valentine’s Day itself, …well, I’m laughing now, but some sort of payback torture is showing in my crystal ball.

UPDATED: Having Fun at Work - WHAT? making it happen

I have an under-developed sense of professionalism, I think. I mean, my actual work is very professional; I take notes in meetings; I meet deadlines; I keep open the chains of communication, and all that, but of all the offices and cubicles in my workplace, mine is easily the most entertaining. Allow me to show you!

(Be kind, this is an experiment with putting photos in my blog, without having them settle at the top.)

First, I offer a warning...

...but it's not an empty threat!

I have a flying Monkey gun! (trebuchet, in fact)

I got a "Chicken-Chucker" (same thing with mini-rubber-chickens) for my officemate. It seemed only fair.

I am the only one in our entire building with any cartoons. I can't think why.

The Maxine says "I finally found Mr. Right. I call him up, he brings me a pizza, and then he goes away."
The other one is a cartoon called Grizzwells. As the two are digging through the trash, the porcupine says "What's this, Gunther?" and the bear says, "Don't you know anything? That's an answering machine." The porcupine mutters "cool..." then says "So where do you put in the questions?" to which Gunther replies "Beats me...I'm not one of those computer geeks..." I love it! Nobody else laughs at it. ...I'm so alone.

Okay, this is just silliness...

Here's where I hide my tea:

(It was a Christmas gift from a co-worker who GETS IT!)

This is everyone's favorite corner of my desk:

(The yellow is a Daily Affirmation Ball, the purple, a Sarcasm Ball.)

The Executive Decision Maker deserves a close-up:

(That's a photo of a baby Osprey behind the decision-maker)

This was a gift from a dear, no-nonsense friend who thinks (thought?) I'm "capricious in my decision-making". Bless her, she thought she'd help me!

Wow. The photos worked! Sort of. I'm terrified to fool with the font above, for fear of deleting the painstakingly downloaded photos. I give a lot of credit to those of you who regularly post photo-heavy blogs - what a time-consumer!

There's other fun stuff like my talking "Brian" - push a button and he says things like "Who's leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here?" or "Don't make me beg." Or like the bubbles, and zen-garden which are actually not front-and-center, although the flying monkeys are usually tucked away unless in use. Or my "idiot mug" of a pen-holder, and the Killer-Bunny stapler. But I'm tired of taking pictures, downloading them to the computer, then to the blog. Geez. You guys get a lot of credit!

...and this was a great diversion, and hopefully more fun to read than the blog I was tempted to write, about my stalker, who I've now taken steps by talking to his boss, so that nobody is blind-sided if this continues and I have to go to HR! But I can't write it without sounding like I'm either a martyr or on a soap-box, so I decided to just play. - good idea!

UPDATE:
Just for Misty's benefit (since I can't put the picture in the comments)...

It's from Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail, if you're wondering. I think I got it from the What On Earth catalog. (whatonearthcatalog[dot]com, I think)

Lupercalia - your REAL Valentine

Now that you all know how I feel about Valentines Day, allow me to introduce Lupercalia – a pagan holiday that takes place February 13-15, and may be the reason that the ancient Christian church decided it needed a holiday at this time (you know, to Christian-up a pre-existing party). Wikipedia tells me that Lupercalia was to “avert evil spirits and purify the city, releasing health and fertility”…sounds like an orgy to me!

Originally, I was inspired to write about books today – seeing that I can’t stop buying them, and the first thing anyone sees on entering my house is my “books purchased but not yet read” (several purchased second-hand, but still). But when the term “bibliophile” was used in my general direction as I perused The Onion's "Our Dumb World" atlas, I realized that I’d be writing a love story. And I, for one, will not write about love on February 14 (hereafter known as Lupercalia)!

Tangent:

When my dearest friend got my Christmas card and letter this year, she said “You should write love stories” …or maybe it was “You should write romances”. Something like that. Knowing my utterly non-romantic nature, I still don’t get it.

ANYhoo!

I’m glad I found out about Lupercalia. I've heard "happy valentines day" enough today to make my ears bleed. Now at least I can reply with a "happy lupercalia" in return. ...I actually got an email from a (male) friend who really should know better. The email's subject was "happy valentines day". I did not open it - figured I'll wait at least until tomorrow, because clearly this dear old friend who has known me for 15 years (ish) does not actually know me at all. Such a shame. I can only assume that he's just following "the Valentines Day rules" and not really thinking about the person he sent the email to.

For my part, I'm having second thoughts about my movie choice for later tonight. What do I have that could be construed as "pagan celebration" - 300? One of the Harry Potters? LOTR? Wizard of Oz? In a world where anything goes, what still counts as pagan?