01 March, 2012

The Secret's Out - And the Plot Thickens

(or, “The Further Adventures of Red and the Transformed Non-Conformist”)

When we left our heroes, the Non-Conformist had finally convinced Red that he was probably not an axe-murderer. He and Red were both overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and support from the community – both real and virtual. Today: The secret comes out into Red’s real-world. Observe…

So, I talk to my parents every Wednesday. It’s something we started a few years ago, and unless scheduling or time zones intervene, it happens. Yesterday, while home sick with Alfred Hitchcock, I called as usual. Mom answered.

I finally shared my idea of moving out near them (as outlined here), and Mom said, “We’d love that!” We had an extensive conversation about this, but long story short (are you getting this, Brett?) In May, I’ll be moving to Indiana. Although I have wanted this and knew it was the right thing, it didn’t feel real before. Weird for an idea in my head to become very real, very quick. And then I told her about my other “something that isn’t quite real at the moment”…

Me: In other news not to worry about just yet, I might be engaged.
Mom:…engaged? In what?

~You know that scene in Pride and Prejudice when Elizabeth tells Jane she’s marrying Mr. Darcy, and Jane can’t believe that could ever happen? Yeah. It was that moment. “engaged in what.” Thanks, Mom!

Me: No! Like, to a man. [what else could I say?]
Mom: …okay-y…? Might be?
Me: Well, it’s kind of weird. It’s through the internet.
Mom: Oh. Promise me you’re being safe. [TOTALLY DIFFERENT MEANING THAN IT USUALLY HAS!]
Me: Of course! It’s just his blog that I started commenting on... [My family is not invited to my blog, so I deflected.]

~Really I just wanted to give her a heads up because IF this ever turns into anything, then I’m afraid she would be really hurt to be completely blind-sided. Not that I have any kind of expectations, but you know, in the CYA department, we always want to keep our mothers happy, don’t we? This was not as easy as I thought it would be.

I very quickly summed up the facts, impressing on her that this is not for my siblings, or for a big email to all the family – something she would totally do – that it’s just an internet thing, and then hit on…

Me: Everyone seems really into this. It’s pretty weird.
Mom: Everyone? Other people are in on it? [I think she was thinking of my sisters, because Big News keeps being announced on facebook, and then we have to call Mom and Dad to inform them.]
Me: Well yeah; it’s online. People reading his blog make comments. Actually, I sort of accused him of being an axe-murderer…
Mom: A what?!? [really, my mom has fine hearing, but I was making her head spin.]
Me: Axe-murderer. You know, like it’s not safe to think you know people online?
Mom: Oh, right. [See? She gets it. I’m not so strange.]
Me: Yeah, and about a million people responded with character references.

~It was a tortuous conversation. I’m not sure I initiated the topic well, but there. It’s out. We moved on to other things, and eventually she got ready to pass me to Dad.

Mom: I’ll share the details of your other news with him [both moving and the “maybe-engaged” thing] unless you want to go into detail with him.
Me: No-o-o, that’s fine, if you think you want to tell him…
Mom: Well, just him, not everyone. Why wouldn’t I…oh wait. Hmm…
Me: (laughing) Now you see what I’m thinking!

Here’s where the plot thickens, dudes. I am the baby girl in a large family. It is a well-known yet unspoken truth that No Man will ever be good enough for me in my father’s eyes. …okay, maybe not even “unspoken” because we all openly acknowledge this. So my thinking is why give my dad time to fret over something that may never happen?

Thicker and Thicker... 
Because, and this CRACKED ME UP when it occurred to me (and may actually explain a lot, from your perspective), my parents live in the country. Their primary winter heating source is a wood-burning stove. Dad chops his own firewood. With an ax. Which he owns. When they moved there, he bought a chain-saw to clear away the brush. Not rented like a normal person: bought. So my over-protective dad has an ax and a chain-saw and knows how to use them both. He also has access to
the neighbor’s hydraulic wood-splitter
(similar to the wood-splitter in question)
which is like an electric guillotine with a maul-ax head for a blade. (I’ve used it. It’s sweet. Gives new meaning to the phrase “like a hot knife through butter”.)

Oh! Not to mention the deep, wooded gully behind the house, where he walks the dog almost daily…which would be a great place to hide a body in…or a variety of body parts. Just sayin’.

Don’t get me wrong, I know my dad’s no axe-murderer. He’s a people-person with a warped sense of humor, a prankster, a retired pastor/missionary, very strong in his Christian values and morals. But let’s not give him time to think about it, m’kay?

So during my conversation with him, I said nothing about this “internet-engaged” thing. We talked about his health, my health (since I was home sick), and the weather. He told me he has ensured a continued warm winter by moving a lot more firewood from the shed to the front porch.

…Which means there’s a lot of room in the shed…where he keeps the ax…and the chain-saw.

 Happy March 1st, everyone! Practice Safe Internetting!


  1. lmao! I think I hear some creepy music playing in the background....

    1. I'm so glad to make you laugh! I really expected to get the "might?" question, but the "engaged in what?" knocked me back for a second.

  2. Oh thank you! Started the day with Brett's post and ending it with yours. I so love this. lol... I'll have to hop over to Brett's now and see if you've responded to the paragraph that was just for you - which I presume everyone has read. I had a weird day - but this just cheered me up in a way nothing else could! Thanks :)

    1. He's sneaky, throwing that "private" paragraph into a post. Like proposing in a public place. (read his post "wedding bells in aisle 5", if you don't know what I'm referring to.)

    2. Hey, that paragraph came with a very clear restriction.

    3. Brett: Next time use reverse psychobiology... I'm almost six feet tall but not all that mature. Of course, there's not much that would have stopped me from reading such an enticing little titbit as the one you left for Red.

      Red: Thanks for the Wedding Bells in Aisle 5 suggestion! I enjoyed it so much - laughed and even cried a little lol...

      You know, I perfectly understand not wanting to post a photo of yourself here - but it would be really fun to read a description of what you look like. Just a thought ;-)

  3. So...your dad is "a people-person with a warped sense of humor, a prankster, a retired pastor/missionary, very strong in his Christian values and morals." My kind of people.

    This is an unexpected turn. Our mutual follower BOZO is probably about to explode with excitement. Depending on what part of Indiana you will be in, you could be as close as an hour drive from here....or 7 hours away.

    Successful engagements generally involve at least reasonable proximity. The universe has spoken.

    1. Yeah, not going into geographic details online, obviously, but probably somewhere in between.

      ...for some reason, I don't like the word "engagement". Snooty people have "dinner engagements", and an "engagement" sounds like it belongs in my planner ("engagement book"). I actually, had the word in my post, but had to change it because it's just too weird.

    2. Totally exploding with exciting lol... love bouncing back and forth between the two of you!

  4. Apropos of nothing, but I have to put this out here:
    I just checked my stats, and someone found me by looking up "klingon whore".

    1. I understand the word combination that would bring them to your site, but a little disturbed as to who would be searching for that to begin with.

  5. Ha! Your dad sounds awesome. Nothing like keeping Brett on his toes and giving him a heads up of your overprotective, ax-wielding dad!! Better have her home by 9:00, Brett!! :)

    1. Yeah, I think he missed the inherent warning. "my kind of people". Hmm...

      And my dad is pretty awesome. When my parents came to a cast party with me, the director described my dad the next as "he's like having a party trick!"

  6. She is very good at secrets.

    1. I'm surprised that's all you have to say. I figured you'd be laughing at the characterizations and the conversation.

      but you're right. She did me proud.


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